I cannot believe that it has been four months since my last entry. Time has flown by at what seems to be light speed. Weeks have gone by since school has started in August, and I can barely remember what has gone on. Now it's December and it's actually cold out..Where has the time gone???
Last Tuesday, November 22, 2011 I had my final major reconstructive surgery. It was a 2 1/2 hour surgery and I was put under general anesthesia again. Before the surgery, the surgeon marked me up with a blue sharpie and he asked me why I didn't wear a bikini last summer!! (That was quite an ego booster!) At that time, I discussed with the surgeon what he was going to do in the surgery. Since my right breast was smaller than my left, we decided it would be good to put fat into the right breast from my hip. He then decided the left breast should be reduced and lifted. The surgeon told me that he would create nipples for me and lipo my hips, ribs and part of my behind. The nipple tattoos would be done in the office after I heal.
As they were wheeling me in to surgery, as usual, I started crying. The anesthesiologist patted me on the head and said, "Don't worry, we'll take good care of you." After that, I was gently placed on the operating table and the anesthesiologist said, we're going to give you some oxygen now..I knew it wasn't just oxygen because it smelled funny.. The next thing I knew I was yelling, "I can't breathe, I cant breathe!!!" I was out of surgery and it was if I had blinked and it was over. The nurse came over and said, "Your oxygenation is at 100%, just try to relax." I think the reason why I was feeling like I couldn't breathe was because I woke up with the oxygen mask on my face and I felt like I was being suffocated. The next thing I knew, I was in my own room with my mom and Elliott.
I told Elliott and my Mother before the surgery that they had one purpose only after the surgery. That purpose was to get me out of the hospital as soon as possible. Since it was a day surgery, I had no desire to stay any longer than necessary. I told both of them to make sure the nurses gave me whatever it was that I needed to get out of the hospital...If I need an anti-nausea pill, pain pills, food...whatever, just to make sure that it happened..They did, and I was home by early evening...
The next week I didn't have much pain and I was off of pain meds by Thanksgiving. The worst part of the surgery was the itching on the incisions and bruising and the migraine I got from all of the pain meds. (I tend to get rebound headaches from pain meds.) I had quite a bit of bruising on my behind and sides. I looked like I had been hit by a truck, but with nice looking breasts!!
I had to wear an abdominal binder and surgical bra for a week. Since my appointment on Thursday, I only have to wear a spanx and a regular bra for the next 4 weeks. (I do have to pad the bra with gauze since I have new nipples that need protecting.)
My doctor cleared me for tennis again and any other activities that I want to do. He told me just to start slowly. I went back to work the Monday after Thanksgiving and felt pretty normal.
I really believe one of the reasons why I recovered so quickly is because both before and after the surgery, I told myself that I was going to live, I was going to get through this, and I have a lot of life let to live. After this surgery, more than ever, I really believe in "mind over matter." I now know that I can control a lot of my life just by willing it to happen. If I want to get better I will. If I want to be happy, I will...I have the control to be anything that I want to be.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Open your eyes
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about outer appearance, specifically scars, the last few days. In my last blog entry, I mentioned this website called: http://thescarproject.org/. The photography on that website made me think about so many things..
My entire life, I have been self-conscious about my appearance. Since seeing the scar project website, I have realized that I am on a life journey as are all of us on this planet. From the time we are born out of our mothers' wombs until the time we are placed in the earth again, we are on a path. Whether you believe in destiny or not, it doesn't matter. (I personally don't.) One way or another, we all move forward in time. When I think of life that way, outer appearance doesn't matter as much anymore. Even the supermodels of the earth will not look perfect when they are old. And, everyone looks pretty crappy at their own funerals....scarred or not.
I have been seeing a psychologist for the past several months to try to come to grips with my life and to deal with the issues of the cancer diagnosis and treatments. The most powerful thing she said to me recently was, "Emily, open your eyes." She told me to step back and really look at the people around me, my environment, and take mental notes. I have learned so much about my life and the people around me, by doing just that. One of the first things I did was look at these beautiful cancer survivors through my new eyes. I didn't see thier scars anymore..I saw their beautiful faces and souls that have clearly gone through so much. I have looked at my wonderful family, friends, and students. I have begun to really see who they are and understand my life around me.
So far, the message I have gotten from opening my eyes to the world is: Even if people put up a front, are angry, sad, or disappointed, they all want to be loved and appreciated and seen for who they really are. Underneath the flesh, scarring, and pain that we all have, lies our inner selves. I can say, for myself, I want to be loved for who I am as a person rather than my outer appearance.
By noticing my life around me, I feel as though everything has come into focus for me. I am starting to understand what is truly important: My relationships, my family, laughing, and loving as much as possible until I am put into the earth again. In a funny sort of way, I feel like a superhero with x-ray vision because I see everything so differently.
I ask all of you that read my blog to really open your eyes and take mental notes...I promise you will be amazed!
My entire life, I have been self-conscious about my appearance. Since seeing the scar project website, I have realized that I am on a life journey as are all of us on this planet. From the time we are born out of our mothers' wombs until the time we are placed in the earth again, we are on a path. Whether you believe in destiny or not, it doesn't matter. (I personally don't.) One way or another, we all move forward in time. When I think of life that way, outer appearance doesn't matter as much anymore. Even the supermodels of the earth will not look perfect when they are old. And, everyone looks pretty crappy at their own funerals....scarred or not.
I have been seeing a psychologist for the past several months to try to come to grips with my life and to deal with the issues of the cancer diagnosis and treatments. The most powerful thing she said to me recently was, "Emily, open your eyes." She told me to step back and really look at the people around me, my environment, and take mental notes. I have learned so much about my life and the people around me, by doing just that. One of the first things I did was look at these beautiful cancer survivors through my new eyes. I didn't see thier scars anymore..I saw their beautiful faces and souls that have clearly gone through so much. I have looked at my wonderful family, friends, and students. I have begun to really see who they are and understand my life around me.
So far, the message I have gotten from opening my eyes to the world is: Even if people put up a front, are angry, sad, or disappointed, they all want to be loved and appreciated and seen for who they really are. Underneath the flesh, scarring, and pain that we all have, lies our inner selves. I can say, for myself, I want to be loved for who I am as a person rather than my outer appearance.
By noticing my life around me, I feel as though everything has come into focus for me. I am starting to understand what is truly important: My relationships, my family, laughing, and loving as much as possible until I am put into the earth again. In a funny sort of way, I feel like a superhero with x-ray vision because I see everything so differently.
I ask all of you that read my blog to really open your eyes and take mental notes...I promise you will be amazed!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
The anniversary and my affirmations
It has been a little over a year since my initial cancer diagnosis. I was diagnosed on 7/8/10, and I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. I remember getting the call from my OB/GYN and him telling me the bad news. I remember crying and crying for days because I was so overwhelmed with fear of the unknown.
On the one year anniversary, my husband, kids, and I were all in Corpus Christi on a vacation. The day before the anniversary, I cried again reliving the experience. After the day had passed, I felt a sense of relief...
After 3 days in Corpus, we went to Port Aransas and had a wonderful time. The condominium was beautiful (although we had to initially switch condos because the first one smelled like a fish fry), the pool and beach were both magnificent. We would go out to the pool (which is supposedly the largest one in Texas) at around 9:00 a.m. and stay out until 11:30 a.m. After that, we would go in, get changed and go to lunch. After lunch, we would come home, take a nap, and then go to dinner. After dinner, we would hang out at the different quirky gift shops, then go out to the beach. The beach at night is such a soothing experience. I find the wind off the beach to be invigorating and healing. After the beach, we would come back to the condo, and watch re-runs of "Columbo" on DVD. It was a great and relaxing vacation..One of the best of my life.
Since the trip, I have been struggling with the tamoxifen (the drug that I have to take for the next 5 years.) The main side-effect is joint pain and all over body aches. If I drink a lot of water, I seem to be able to manage, but I am still uncomfortable. Exercising seems to be a problem, because I am injuring myself more often than I used to. Yesterday, I was in bed for most of the day from a neck injury. I left a message with my doctor to call me to see if I can take another drug or come off of this one for a couple of weeks.
Lately, since I have been feeling depressed about my aches and pains, I have come up with these affirmations that I say to myself when I'm feeling bad. They seem to help my state of mind and at times actually help my pain go away or at least decrease significantly.
1. Cancer does not define me.
2. These aches and pains do not define me.
3. My body may be hurting, but the pain will not affect me at my core. My body is just a container for my soul.
This is who I am:
1. I am a mother to two beautiful kids
2. I am a wife to my kind husband
3. I am a sister to my great brother and a sister-in-law
4. I am a daughter to two wonderful parents and in-laws
5. I am an aunt to my wonderful niece and nephews
6. I am a musician
7. I am a teacher
8. I am a friend to many and I have wonderful friends
9. I have a great sense of humor, I love to laugh and live
10.I am a fighter....
Happy anniversary to me for making it one year. May I, and anyone else dealing with disease make it for many more!!
On the one year anniversary, my husband, kids, and I were all in Corpus Christi on a vacation. The day before the anniversary, I cried again reliving the experience. After the day had passed, I felt a sense of relief...
After 3 days in Corpus, we went to Port Aransas and had a wonderful time. The condominium was beautiful (although we had to initially switch condos because the first one smelled like a fish fry), the pool and beach were both magnificent. We would go out to the pool (which is supposedly the largest one in Texas) at around 9:00 a.m. and stay out until 11:30 a.m. After that, we would go in, get changed and go to lunch. After lunch, we would come home, take a nap, and then go to dinner. After dinner, we would hang out at the different quirky gift shops, then go out to the beach. The beach at night is such a soothing experience. I find the wind off the beach to be invigorating and healing. After the beach, we would come back to the condo, and watch re-runs of "Columbo" on DVD. It was a great and relaxing vacation..One of the best of my life.
Since the trip, I have been struggling with the tamoxifen (the drug that I have to take for the next 5 years.) The main side-effect is joint pain and all over body aches. If I drink a lot of water, I seem to be able to manage, but I am still uncomfortable. Exercising seems to be a problem, because I am injuring myself more often than I used to. Yesterday, I was in bed for most of the day from a neck injury. I left a message with my doctor to call me to see if I can take another drug or come off of this one for a couple of weeks.
Lately, since I have been feeling depressed about my aches and pains, I have come up with these affirmations that I say to myself when I'm feeling bad. They seem to help my state of mind and at times actually help my pain go away or at least decrease significantly.
1. Cancer does not define me.
2. These aches and pains do not define me.
3. My body may be hurting, but the pain will not affect me at my core. My body is just a container for my soul.
This is who I am:
1. I am a mother to two beautiful kids
2. I am a wife to my kind husband
3. I am a sister to my great brother and a sister-in-law
4. I am a daughter to two wonderful parents and in-laws
5. I am an aunt to my wonderful niece and nephews
6. I am a musician
7. I am a teacher
8. I am a friend to many and I have wonderful friends
9. I have a great sense of humor, I love to laugh and live
10.I am a fighter....
Happy anniversary to me for making it one year. May I, and anyone else dealing with disease make it for many more!!
Monday, June 27, 2011
What are you lookin' at?
Today I went to the music store to purchase some new piano music for my kids. I got my daughter a book of Disney songs with the lyrics written in. (Lately, she has discovered that she can sing and accompany herself on piano!) My son got some flute and piano duets. My son and I have decided that we are going to try to work on a couple of flute and piano pieces which we are both really excited about!
While I was at the music store, I saw some people that I recognized that have known me for years. One of them, after I said hi, didn't even acknowledge me and looked pretty confused. It was obvious that the person didn't recognize me. After that, a couple of people looked at me and gave me these piteous stares..If someone doesn't recognize me, that's one thing..but the stares are absolutely the worst. I know my hair doesn't look the same as it did before, but it is just hair. I have to control myself not to walk over and punch their lights out.... I have gone through a lot, but there are others that have it far worse. These people can take their ogling stares and shove them.
Maybe this reaction is extreme, and I would never hurt anyone, but this is how I feel. Maybe I am feeling extra frustration today because I am trying desperately to lose weight and nothing is happening. In fact, I gained a couple of pounds from the weekend.
One of my facebook friends said that maybe people don't know that I have had cancer and chemo. And, also it is possible they think I'm going through some kind of mid-life crisis because of my spiky white hair. He then said, "Go with it..Suggest they hang around to meet your new teenage lover."
In general, I have been feeling less achy, but I have been drinking 2 1/2 quarts of water a day and exercising...I think those two things are making positive difference in how I feel physically.
The process of recovering from the cancer and living with its consequences is a pretty tough battle. I hope I get better at coping and I hope I ultimately win.
While I was at the music store, I saw some people that I recognized that have known me for years. One of them, after I said hi, didn't even acknowledge me and looked pretty confused. It was obvious that the person didn't recognize me. After that, a couple of people looked at me and gave me these piteous stares..If someone doesn't recognize me, that's one thing..but the stares are absolutely the worst. I know my hair doesn't look the same as it did before, but it is just hair. I have to control myself not to walk over and punch their lights out.... I have gone through a lot, but there are others that have it far worse. These people can take their ogling stares and shove them.
Maybe this reaction is extreme, and I would never hurt anyone, but this is how I feel. Maybe I am feeling extra frustration today because I am trying desperately to lose weight and nothing is happening. In fact, I gained a couple of pounds from the weekend.
One of my facebook friends said that maybe people don't know that I have had cancer and chemo. And, also it is possible they think I'm going through some kind of mid-life crisis because of my spiky white hair. He then said, "Go with it..Suggest they hang around to meet your new teenage lover."
In general, I have been feeling less achy, but I have been drinking 2 1/2 quarts of water a day and exercising...I think those two things are making positive difference in how I feel physically.
The process of recovering from the cancer and living with its consequences is a pretty tough battle. I hope I get better at coping and I hope I ultimately win.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The gift
I had my surgery on June 10th, 2011 for the removal of a uterine polyp. I did the usual of not eating or drinking anything after midnight the night before. I was very nervous the day of the surgery and the entire week before. I think my nerves came from the fact that this was my 3rd surgery and I thought I knew what was coming.
The surgery was not a big deal at all. Compared to what I have been through, this was the equivalent of a dental cleaning. I got to the ambulatory hospital at 6 a.m., checked in and sat there until about 6:50 a.m. (There were a lot of children in the waiting area as well, which kind of brought me some comfort. If they can handle day surgery, I could too!) A couple of hours before, I had to take a pill to soften my cervix so that the doctor could dialate the uterus more easily. The pill disolved on my tongue, tasted like chalk and it gave me a little bit of menstrual cramping.
After I changed into my surgical gown, the nurse gave me my i.v. and I signed all of the necessary paperwork. Then Elliott and the doctor came in and we talked about what was going to happen. The doctor told me once again that he didn't anticipate any cancer and that the polyp looked very benign to him and to the radiologist. (Apparently these polyps are very common in women my age.) My doctor also told me that I would have the biopsy results of the surgery on the following Tuesday.
At that point, I was wheeled over to the OR, they gave me some gas and then it seemed as though I woke up minutes later. It was over with so quickly, I could barely remember it starting. I had virtually no pain at all and within 45 minutes I was out of the post-OP room and I was going home. The rest of the day I slept at home as if I had a hangover, and 1/2 of the next day I was pretty sleepy. By Monday, I was back to my usual self.
On Tuesday, I called for the results. They found a polyp and a fibroid and both were benign. I was with my mom looking for sports wear at the time I found out. I started crying in the middle of the store I was so relieved. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.
Two days later, I went to school to make a monetary deposit for my band's summer camp. While I was up there, I went into the main office to say hello to the principal's secretary. In the office talking with her, was a woman who seemed to have the cancer crew cut. (The cancer crew cut is my term for the hairdo that someone has after they finish chemo and the hair starts to grow back in.) The woman turned out to be the principal's secretary at a local high school who is battling breast cancer. She immediately walked up to me, hugged me, and told me that she was so glad to finally meet me. I told her that I had heard about her battle with cancer. We embraced many times during our conversation. We both agreed that it's difficult for others to understand what it's like to have cancer unless you've gone through it yourself. At one point during our conversation, she said, "Sometimes I wonder when's the last time I'll get to see my son play baseball." We both started to cry. I told her that if she wants me to contact her to leave her phone number with the school secretary. Unfortunately, she didn't..Honestly, I think she forgot because she was so upset and distracted...
After I accomplished about an hour of work, I returned to the main office and spoke with the principal's secretary at our school. She told me that the woman who was visiting has a stage 4 cancer that will never go away. It had spread to her lymph nodes and her spine. The best she could hope for was to keep the cancer at bay and from spreading to her organs. The reason why she had started growing back some of her hair was because she was taking a couple of month break from the chemo.
After this surgery and this chance meeting with this other cancer patient, I felt so incredibly lucky, blessed, and fortunate to be surviving this disease. I have been given another chance at life....Everything has been looking brighter and I have been enjoying every minute of every day from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I no longer complain about the body aches that I have with the tamoxifen...All of that seems so insignificant and trivial.
I have been given such a gift.
The surgery was not a big deal at all. Compared to what I have been through, this was the equivalent of a dental cleaning. I got to the ambulatory hospital at 6 a.m., checked in and sat there until about 6:50 a.m. (There were a lot of children in the waiting area as well, which kind of brought me some comfort. If they can handle day surgery, I could too!) A couple of hours before, I had to take a pill to soften my cervix so that the doctor could dialate the uterus more easily. The pill disolved on my tongue, tasted like chalk and it gave me a little bit of menstrual cramping.
After I changed into my surgical gown, the nurse gave me my i.v. and I signed all of the necessary paperwork. Then Elliott and the doctor came in and we talked about what was going to happen. The doctor told me once again that he didn't anticipate any cancer and that the polyp looked very benign to him and to the radiologist. (Apparently these polyps are very common in women my age.) My doctor also told me that I would have the biopsy results of the surgery on the following Tuesday.
At that point, I was wheeled over to the OR, they gave me some gas and then it seemed as though I woke up minutes later. It was over with so quickly, I could barely remember it starting. I had virtually no pain at all and within 45 minutes I was out of the post-OP room and I was going home. The rest of the day I slept at home as if I had a hangover, and 1/2 of the next day I was pretty sleepy. By Monday, I was back to my usual self.
On Tuesday, I called for the results. They found a polyp and a fibroid and both were benign. I was with my mom looking for sports wear at the time I found out. I started crying in the middle of the store I was so relieved. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.
Two days later, I went to school to make a monetary deposit for my band's summer camp. While I was up there, I went into the main office to say hello to the principal's secretary. In the office talking with her, was a woman who seemed to have the cancer crew cut. (The cancer crew cut is my term for the hairdo that someone has after they finish chemo and the hair starts to grow back in.) The woman turned out to be the principal's secretary at a local high school who is battling breast cancer. She immediately walked up to me, hugged me, and told me that she was so glad to finally meet me. I told her that I had heard about her battle with cancer. We embraced many times during our conversation. We both agreed that it's difficult for others to understand what it's like to have cancer unless you've gone through it yourself. At one point during our conversation, she said, "Sometimes I wonder when's the last time I'll get to see my son play baseball." We both started to cry. I told her that if she wants me to contact her to leave her phone number with the school secretary. Unfortunately, she didn't..Honestly, I think she forgot because she was so upset and distracted...
After I accomplished about an hour of work, I returned to the main office and spoke with the principal's secretary at our school. She told me that the woman who was visiting has a stage 4 cancer that will never go away. It had spread to her lymph nodes and her spine. The best she could hope for was to keep the cancer at bay and from spreading to her organs. The reason why she had started growing back some of her hair was because she was taking a couple of month break from the chemo.
After this surgery and this chance meeting with this other cancer patient, I felt so incredibly lucky, blessed, and fortunate to be surviving this disease. I have been given another chance at life....Everything has been looking brighter and I have been enjoying every minute of every day from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I no longer complain about the body aches that I have with the tamoxifen...All of that seems so insignificant and trivial.
I have been given such a gift.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Homecoming
Tomorrow is my school's homecoming concert. Every year, the alumni and past teachers have the opportunity to come back to my school and play with the top band and jazz band. Every year I look forward to it except for this year. None of my ex-students that I know and care about will be coming back. My husband and kids will be there but probably late....And I will be there, the object of the stares and piteous looks with no back up.
I don't want to be pitied tomorrow night...I don't want to answer questions about my illness or what has happened to me these past several months...But..it's inevitable. I wish I wasn't doing it alone.
I don't want to be pitied tomorrow night...I don't want to answer questions about my illness or what has happened to me these past several months...But..it's inevitable. I wish I wasn't doing it alone.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wax on Wax off
It has been almost 2 months since my last posting. I actually feel kind of guilty for not writing because so much has transpired. One of the best things that has happened is that my eyebrows, nose hair, eyelashes have grown back. In fact all of my hair has come back, even if it's only in small amounts. I remember I was at my in-laws house in Bastrop one weekend...At the beginning of the weekend, I was using eyebrow shadow to color in my non-existent eyebrows. Two days later, I had massive stubble where my eyebrows shoud be. In fact, I had to buy a tweezers while I was visiting so that I didn't look like Groucho Marx. Two days after that, I went to the beauty salon to get my first eyebrow waxing in months. At that same time, my eyelashes sprouted in out of nowhere.
The hair on my head is still very white, but I am getting dark patches all over my head. Two weeks ago, I got my first hair cut. in months and months. I don't know if I'll ever dye my hair again..(if I do, it will be red) The other thing about my hair is, I will never grow it long again...It is way to easy the way I have it now.
I don't have to ever comb it, I put a little gel in it after a shower, spike it and go.. There have literally been hours and hours added to my days and my life by not messing with my hair. It is wonderful!
I have been on my anti-cancer drug tamoxifen for the past month. I found that I have to drink a lot more water so that I don't get achy. I am still getting hot flashes, but they don't seem as bad as before. I have noticed more facial hair around my jawline that I suspect is from lower estrogen. I am hoping that it doesn't become a huge problem...I can't imagine waxing anymore of my face than I already do...At the same time, I hope that I don't become the bearded lady..
I have been doing weight watchers pretty consistently and exercising to the wii fit almost everyday. Lately, I've been exercising to a Michael Jackson program called "Michael Jackson the experience." I literally dance my ass off for an hour and I end up covered in sweat. It's so much fun!
On June 10th, I'll be having a polyp removed from my uterus. It isn't supposed to be cancer, but it's still scary. I keep telling myself it's a hoop I have to jump through to survive. It is a day surgery and I'll need the weekend to recover from the cramping. My final nip and tuck surgery for my breasts and lipo in my hips will be during Thanksgiving 2011. Hopefully other than the tamoxifen, that will be my final cancer hoop to jump through forever.
The hair on my head is still very white, but I am getting dark patches all over my head. Two weeks ago, I got my first hair cut. in months and months. I don't know if I'll ever dye my hair again..(if I do, it will be red) The other thing about my hair is, I will never grow it long again...It is way to easy the way I have it now.
I don't have to ever comb it, I put a little gel in it after a shower, spike it and go.. There have literally been hours and hours added to my days and my life by not messing with my hair. It is wonderful!
I have been on my anti-cancer drug tamoxifen for the past month. I found that I have to drink a lot more water so that I don't get achy. I am still getting hot flashes, but they don't seem as bad as before. I have noticed more facial hair around my jawline that I suspect is from lower estrogen. I am hoping that it doesn't become a huge problem...I can't imagine waxing anymore of my face than I already do...At the same time, I hope that I don't become the bearded lady..
I have been doing weight watchers pretty consistently and exercising to the wii fit almost everyday. Lately, I've been exercising to a Michael Jackson program called "Michael Jackson the experience." I literally dance my ass off for an hour and I end up covered in sweat. It's so much fun!
On June 10th, I'll be having a polyp removed from my uterus. It isn't supposed to be cancer, but it's still scary. I keep telling myself it's a hoop I have to jump through to survive. It is a day surgery and I'll need the weekend to recover from the cramping. My final nip and tuck surgery for my breasts and lipo in my hips will be during Thanksgiving 2011. Hopefully other than the tamoxifen, that will be my final cancer hoop to jump through forever.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Why can't they see me?
For the last couple of weeks I have gone without my wig. The temperature has begun to rise and it has gotten too hot outside. The hair on my head was getting so that the wig no longer covered it. It was like I had a hairdo under another hairdo. The facade was just ridiculous.
I have tried to make my new look more convincing by playing up the rock and roll look. I have been wearing large hoop earrings, as many necklaces as I can get away with at a time and more makeup. I have gotten many compliments on my appearance. People in general have been very accepting of what I'm trying to do....Everyone except my own children.
Tonight we went to an open house at my children's school. The parents and the kids got to look around at some of the different activities that the children were participating in at school. Both of my kids wanted Elliott to see their classrooms and starting fighting over him. Neither child wanted me to visit their classrooms. I knew the reason why...
Over the last couple of weeks, my children have been mortified that I haven't been wearing my wig in public. Both of my kids have begged me to put it back on after I told them I wouldn't be wearing it anymore. I told them I was too hot to wear it and it made me uncomfortable because it was starting to give me tension headaches. Neither child was understanding.
Tonight, in the car, after I realized what was going on, I asked them, "So you guys are telling me that you are embarrassed to be seen around me because of my hair?" Neither child said anything. I said, "If you had cancer and you lost all of your hair, I would stand by you and I would NEVER EVER be embarrassed by you."
I really feel as though as a parent I have failed. Why can't my children see me beyond my damn hair? I had mammograms, three very painful biopsies, a double mastectomy with reconstruction, a subsequent surgery, a PET/CT scan, and six months of chemotherapy. It was the toughest time of my life and I went through all of this for them...So that I could be alive for them...I am not a freak with fuzzy white hair. I am a cancer survivor and I am a warrior.
I have been called many things in my life...intelliegent, beautiful, bitchy, and stubborn....but never, ever have I been an embarrassment to anyone...Maybe I'm overreacting because I had a tough week at work and I'm exhausted. Everything has been such a struggle and now I find myself fighting for my children's love and acceptance. That feels so wrong and hurtful.
In my entire life, I have never felt so alone.
I have tried to make my new look more convincing by playing up the rock and roll look. I have been wearing large hoop earrings, as many necklaces as I can get away with at a time and more makeup. I have gotten many compliments on my appearance. People in general have been very accepting of what I'm trying to do....Everyone except my own children.
Tonight we went to an open house at my children's school. The parents and the kids got to look around at some of the different activities that the children were participating in at school. Both of my kids wanted Elliott to see their classrooms and starting fighting over him. Neither child wanted me to visit their classrooms. I knew the reason why...
Over the last couple of weeks, my children have been mortified that I haven't been wearing my wig in public. Both of my kids have begged me to put it back on after I told them I wouldn't be wearing it anymore. I told them I was too hot to wear it and it made me uncomfortable because it was starting to give me tension headaches. Neither child was understanding.
Tonight, in the car, after I realized what was going on, I asked them, "So you guys are telling me that you are embarrassed to be seen around me because of my hair?" Neither child said anything. I said, "If you had cancer and you lost all of your hair, I would stand by you and I would NEVER EVER be embarrassed by you."
I really feel as though as a parent I have failed. Why can't my children see me beyond my damn hair? I had mammograms, three very painful biopsies, a double mastectomy with reconstruction, a subsequent surgery, a PET/CT scan, and six months of chemotherapy. It was the toughest time of my life and I went through all of this for them...So that I could be alive for them...I am not a freak with fuzzy white hair. I am a cancer survivor and I am a warrior.
I have been called many things in my life...intelliegent, beautiful, bitchy, and stubborn....but never, ever have I been an embarrassment to anyone...Maybe I'm overreacting because I had a tough week at work and I'm exhausted. Everything has been such a struggle and now I find myself fighting for my children's love and acceptance. That feels so wrong and hurtful.
In my entire life, I have never felt so alone.
Monday, March 21, 2011
To wig or not to wig..That is the question
Yesterday afternoon, I went to Dillards to buy some makeup. I decided I would at least try to go to school without my wig. I hadn't worn my wig much during spring break and the temperatures during the week had continued to climb. The temperature change combined with new hair growth and hot flashes, made wearing a wig unbearable. I decided if I was going to go wigless, I needed big hoop earrings and more makeup. I already had the earrings, almost as big as bracelets..Now all I needed was some eyebrows.
I went to the clinique counter and a really nice woman helped me get some eyebrow shadow, eye shadow, and some light base. Seeing myself in the mirror, I wanted to cry. I looked so pale and sickly. I barely recognized myself. After the clinique lady helped me put on the makeup, I felt a little better about my appearance. She also told me about her mother who is a cancer survivor. It seems everywhere I go, I find people that either had cancer or have a close relative that had it.
After my trip to Dillards, I ate dinner, and I went to Alon H.E.B. to purchase some last minute groceries before Monday. As I was there, I went to the beauty section to buy hair gel. At first, I wanted to cry..What in the hell am I doing buying hair gel?? I barely have enough hair on my head to cover a peach. I started looking around at all of the products I used to use..Mousse, different gels, smoothing serums. All of these products used to be a huge part of my life as my hair was such a huge part of my body image. I finally blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes, and I bought the damn gel.
I went to school today with a light cotton hat on and my new makeup on my face. As the morning went on, I took off my hat..My students as they walked by would look at me sideways..I just smiled at them and said hello. At the beginning of each class, I told my students, "It finally happened..You guys stressed me out so much that over spring break, my hair fell out and grew in white." My 7th and 8th graders understood that I was just kidding..Many of my sixth graders just looked at me with wide eyes. I had to tell those poor babies that I was just kidding.
After I told the students I was just joking, I told them that I had cancer, chemo was over, and as of now, everything was looking good. I told them that the wig was getting to be too hot and the new hair was starting to stick out from under the wig. I told them that I had white hair before it fell out and that I had been coloring it for years. The students applauded after I told them that chemo was over and I took a bow. One student asked me if I would consider dying my hair blue..
It is interesting..I thought that all of my stressful days relating to the chemo was over with. Today, going into school without a wig was one of the most stressful days of the whole diagnosis and treatment. I really love my job and my students. I didn't want to scare them or shock them in a negative way. They handled what I said so well..Kids never cease to surprise or amaze me.
I think for now, I will continue referring to myself as Chemosabe even though I am done with chemo. The chemo and it's effects are still running rampant in my body and will be for a while..In the meantime, I am continuing to live and to fight.
Chemosabe
I went to the clinique counter and a really nice woman helped me get some eyebrow shadow, eye shadow, and some light base. Seeing myself in the mirror, I wanted to cry. I looked so pale and sickly. I barely recognized myself. After the clinique lady helped me put on the makeup, I felt a little better about my appearance. She also told me about her mother who is a cancer survivor. It seems everywhere I go, I find people that either had cancer or have a close relative that had it.
After my trip to Dillards, I ate dinner, and I went to Alon H.E.B. to purchase some last minute groceries before Monday. As I was there, I went to the beauty section to buy hair gel. At first, I wanted to cry..What in the hell am I doing buying hair gel?? I barely have enough hair on my head to cover a peach. I started looking around at all of the products I used to use..Mousse, different gels, smoothing serums. All of these products used to be a huge part of my life as my hair was such a huge part of my body image. I finally blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes, and I bought the damn gel.
I went to school today with a light cotton hat on and my new makeup on my face. As the morning went on, I took off my hat..My students as they walked by would look at me sideways..I just smiled at them and said hello. At the beginning of each class, I told my students, "It finally happened..You guys stressed me out so much that over spring break, my hair fell out and grew in white." My 7th and 8th graders understood that I was just kidding..Many of my sixth graders just looked at me with wide eyes. I had to tell those poor babies that I was just kidding.
After I told the students I was just joking, I told them that I had cancer, chemo was over, and as of now, everything was looking good. I told them that the wig was getting to be too hot and the new hair was starting to stick out from under the wig. I told them that I had white hair before it fell out and that I had been coloring it for years. The students applauded after I told them that chemo was over and I took a bow. One student asked me if I would consider dying my hair blue..
It is interesting..I thought that all of my stressful days relating to the chemo was over with. Today, going into school without a wig was one of the most stressful days of the whole diagnosis and treatment. I really love my job and my students. I didn't want to scare them or shock them in a negative way. They handled what I said so well..Kids never cease to surprise or amaze me.
I think for now, I will continue referring to myself as Chemosabe even though I am done with chemo. The chemo and it's effects are still running rampant in my body and will be for a while..In the meantime, I am continuing to live and to fight.
Chemosabe
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Defending our lives
Today is Thursday, and it is the day that I would normally be getting chemo, but I'm not! It's 4:15 p.m. and by now I would be wearing the frozen booties and gloves and be watching a romantic comedy half drunk from the ativan and benedryl. Instead I'm here in Bastrop, Texas at my in-laws house and before that, I was at the Lost Pines Resort.
I had such a great time at the resort, especially eating. Some of my favorites at the all you can eat buffet were: migas (Mexican eggs), sausage, red velvet cake, lox, and the ultimate, lobster mac and cheese. I don't know if any of you have ever seen the movie "Defending Your Life", but it reminded me of the food in that movie. (One of the basic premises in the movie is after people die, they go to this place where they are judged how they lived their lives. If a life was lived without fear, the person would move on in the universe and if the person lived with too much fear, the person was reincarnated.) While the dead people were being judged, they stayed at this place called Judgement City where they got to eat as much as they wanted, the food was incredible, and it was impossible to gain weight. The Lost Pines Resort buffet was a lot like that except for the eating with no consequences part.
My hair has really started to grow back in. It is almost completely white and I think it will end up being curly..at least at first. I am getting to the point now that I don't want to wear my wigs anymore. The temperature is getting warmer and the wigs are just making me very uncomfortable especially with the new hair growth. I am ready to go without a wig in public, but my own children are mortified when I go out like that. My nephews and my sister-in-law told me yesterday that they thought I should go without the wig and that my hair looked cool...sort of an Annie Lennox look. It will be interesting to see what happens when I get to school on Monday because I'm not sure I'll be wearing my wig..
I will go back to see the oncologist in 6 weeks. I will get a physical exam and start tamoxifen. Unless she finds something suspicious, I won't have any scans. I also will never have a mamogram again since the fat in my chest is not breast tissue. After that, I will come back every 6 months unless there is a complication, or something needs attention. I will continue with my current supplements for the next two months, and this Monday, I will start making arrangements for my final plastic surgery and ablation if I need it.
All of my cancer stuff seems so trivial lately. There are so many more important things going on in the world than my own personal struggles. I am devastated by what is going on in Texas right now with the governor and the budget cuts in education. I just don't understand why he is doing what he is doing and why he feels it's necessary to hurt the future of his state in the name of budget crunching. Children deserve as much money as we can throw at them when it comes to education and their future. He doesn't want to dig into the state's rainy day fund to help our schools. Mr. Governor, it is raining in Texas and it's raining hard..
Even more distressing is the horrible earthquake and resulting tsunami that occurred in Japan. I cannot even imagine what those people are dealing with right now. So many are dead, injured, and unaccounted for. There isn't enough food and water to go around and there is a strong possibility for a nuclear meltown in the affected power plants. This is the second disaster that I can think of in recent times that affected man's energy usage. (The other is the Gulf of Mexico disaster last April) Many think that these global events, are signaling the end of the world by God. Has anyone ever thought that maybe these are signs by God that man needs to find another energy source that won't destroy the earth? Maybe energy from oil and nuclear energy aren't long term answers? I'm just a band director and I never did well in science or math, but what about wind energy? Of course solar energy would be the most logical..After all, the sun is the biggest source we have and it's just sitting there in the sky waiting for us to use it. Surely with all of the incredible minds we have on this planet that someone can figure something out.
According to the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is next year, 2012. I am hoping and assuming this is not the truth. Even so, I hope that our national and state leaders start doing some things to ensure our future. I hope they pass some legislation to help our schools and the children of this state and country. I also hope that we can find a solution to our energy needs before our needs destroy us as a race.
I am feeling certain that I will win my battle with cancer...I just hope I live to see many more years and my fellow humans do too. 2012 is too soon for any of us.
I had such a great time at the resort, especially eating. Some of my favorites at the all you can eat buffet were: migas (Mexican eggs), sausage, red velvet cake, lox, and the ultimate, lobster mac and cheese. I don't know if any of you have ever seen the movie "Defending Your Life", but it reminded me of the food in that movie. (One of the basic premises in the movie is after people die, they go to this place where they are judged how they lived their lives. If a life was lived without fear, the person would move on in the universe and if the person lived with too much fear, the person was reincarnated.) While the dead people were being judged, they stayed at this place called Judgement City where they got to eat as much as they wanted, the food was incredible, and it was impossible to gain weight. The Lost Pines Resort buffet was a lot like that except for the eating with no consequences part.
My hair has really started to grow back in. It is almost completely white and I think it will end up being curly..at least at first. I am getting to the point now that I don't want to wear my wigs anymore. The temperature is getting warmer and the wigs are just making me very uncomfortable especially with the new hair growth. I am ready to go without a wig in public, but my own children are mortified when I go out like that. My nephews and my sister-in-law told me yesterday that they thought I should go without the wig and that my hair looked cool...sort of an Annie Lennox look. It will be interesting to see what happens when I get to school on Monday because I'm not sure I'll be wearing my wig..
I will go back to see the oncologist in 6 weeks. I will get a physical exam and start tamoxifen. Unless she finds something suspicious, I won't have any scans. I also will never have a mamogram again since the fat in my chest is not breast tissue. After that, I will come back every 6 months unless there is a complication, or something needs attention. I will continue with my current supplements for the next two months, and this Monday, I will start making arrangements for my final plastic surgery and ablation if I need it.
All of my cancer stuff seems so trivial lately. There are so many more important things going on in the world than my own personal struggles. I am devastated by what is going on in Texas right now with the governor and the budget cuts in education. I just don't understand why he is doing what he is doing and why he feels it's necessary to hurt the future of his state in the name of budget crunching. Children deserve as much money as we can throw at them when it comes to education and their future. He doesn't want to dig into the state's rainy day fund to help our schools. Mr. Governor, it is raining in Texas and it's raining hard..
Even more distressing is the horrible earthquake and resulting tsunami that occurred in Japan. I cannot even imagine what those people are dealing with right now. So many are dead, injured, and unaccounted for. There isn't enough food and water to go around and there is a strong possibility for a nuclear meltown in the affected power plants. This is the second disaster that I can think of in recent times that affected man's energy usage. (The other is the Gulf of Mexico disaster last April) Many think that these global events, are signaling the end of the world by God. Has anyone ever thought that maybe these are signs by God that man needs to find another energy source that won't destroy the earth? Maybe energy from oil and nuclear energy aren't long term answers? I'm just a band director and I never did well in science or math, but what about wind energy? Of course solar energy would be the most logical..After all, the sun is the biggest source we have and it's just sitting there in the sky waiting for us to use it. Surely with all of the incredible minds we have on this planet that someone can figure something out.
According to the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is next year, 2012. I am hoping and assuming this is not the truth. Even so, I hope that our national and state leaders start doing some things to ensure our future. I hope they pass some legislation to help our schools and the children of this state and country. I also hope that we can find a solution to our energy needs before our needs destroy us as a race.
I am feeling certain that I will win my battle with cancer...I just hope I live to see many more years and my fellow humans do too. 2012 is too soon for any of us.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Happy birthday to me
I have constant hot flashes, I'm fat, exhausted, have horrible bone pain, and my eyes are constantly irritated from my new eyelashes...The worst part is, I look like Johnny Carson with my new hair do. I'm a mess....But it's almost over...
Since this last chemo treatment and neulasta shot, I have been feeling miserable. I can barely get around from weakness and bone pain and I am constantly sweating. During my band classes today, I wiped my face and neck with a wet paper towel just to keep from passing out from hot flashes. It's so strange..when I take my temperature it's around 97..Chemo is bizarre shit.
This past Saturday, my top band and the second band went to tape clinic or pre-UIL band contest. Both bands did really well...Honestly, I can't believe that I had the energy to go all day with both bands. I think the reason why I was able to survive working all day Saturday was that my neulasta shot was delayed until Sunday. And when Sunday came, boy did I pay. I'm so incredibly proud of my students..They performed so well and frankly fooled everyone with their stellar behavior. One of the monitors said that my band was the best behaved band they saw all day. If only they knew what hyenas they really are on a regular basis...
This Thursday will be my final chemo treatment and I am overjoyed to say the least. It will also Ethan's 11th birthday. In a sense, it will be my birthday too...A new year without cancer..Even with my fat ass, I may have to treat myself to a piece of cake...After all, I think I deserve it.
Chemosabe
Since this last chemo treatment and neulasta shot, I have been feeling miserable. I can barely get around from weakness and bone pain and I am constantly sweating. During my band classes today, I wiped my face and neck with a wet paper towel just to keep from passing out from hot flashes. It's so strange..when I take my temperature it's around 97..Chemo is bizarre shit.
This past Saturday, my top band and the second band went to tape clinic or pre-UIL band contest. Both bands did really well...Honestly, I can't believe that I had the energy to go all day with both bands. I think the reason why I was able to survive working all day Saturday was that my neulasta shot was delayed until Sunday. And when Sunday came, boy did I pay. I'm so incredibly proud of my students..They performed so well and frankly fooled everyone with their stellar behavior. One of the monitors said that my band was the best behaved band they saw all day. If only they knew what hyenas they really are on a regular basis...
This Thursday will be my final chemo treatment and I am overjoyed to say the least. It will also Ethan's 11th birthday. In a sense, it will be my birthday too...A new year without cancer..Even with my fat ass, I may have to treat myself to a piece of cake...After all, I think I deserve it.
Chemosabe
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Am I George Clooney with a $250,000 boob job?
Today I went to see my plastic surgeon to schedule my final surgery. I hadn't seen him since September, since before I started chemo. He examined me and said that everything was healing great and he described to me what he wanted to do in my final surgery. Since my left breast is slightly bigger than my right, he wanted to even them out. He also said he would contour my hips with a little liposuction and possibly put that fat in the smaller breast. I wonder if while he's at it he could fix my nose and my sagging neck..I also saw pictures of myself before the surgery. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually like the way I look better now, even without the final touches. My breasts are more the same size, they are lifted up and I don't have the paunch that I used to have on my stomach.
I also mentioned to my doctor that I would like to have the ablation done at the same time if possible so that I don't have to be put under anesthesia twice. He said that was a possibility as well. Overall, I felt pretty good about the appointment. For the first time in a while, I could also visualize the end of this cancer hell.
Today at work, I showed a co-worker a picture of myself without my wig. She said, "Wow, you look like George Clooney." I was thinking, yes, George Clooney with a $250,000 boob job..This is not a sexy image in my mind..I kept picturing George in drag and thinking...ick..
I'm starting to think about the hair on my head again. It's starting to grow in, Clooney style, and I'm wondering what color I should dye it...if anything. I was thinking about wearing it in a pixie cut at first and making it all white. Then I thought about coloring it blonde, a very white blonde like Annie Lennox is currently wearing her hair. My whole life I have actually wanted to be a red head. As a child I had a recurring dream that I was looking in the mirror and I had red hair. Maybe this is my chance to fulfill this crazy dream.
I have been taking ativan (a tranquilizer) every night before bed and it has been helping my nerves and my vision. Or maybe I'm so tranquil, I don't give a fuck what I'm looking at..
The day after tomorrow is Chemo #10 of the final 12. I can't believe it..I hope I make it through this..I hope the cancer is gone forever..
Chemosabe
I also mentioned to my doctor that I would like to have the ablation done at the same time if possible so that I don't have to be put under anesthesia twice. He said that was a possibility as well. Overall, I felt pretty good about the appointment. For the first time in a while, I could also visualize the end of this cancer hell.
Today at work, I showed a co-worker a picture of myself without my wig. She said, "Wow, you look like George Clooney." I was thinking, yes, George Clooney with a $250,000 boob job..This is not a sexy image in my mind..I kept picturing George in drag and thinking...ick..
I'm starting to think about the hair on my head again. It's starting to grow in, Clooney style, and I'm wondering what color I should dye it...if anything. I was thinking about wearing it in a pixie cut at first and making it all white. Then I thought about coloring it blonde, a very white blonde like Annie Lennox is currently wearing her hair. My whole life I have actually wanted to be a red head. As a child I had a recurring dream that I was looking in the mirror and I had red hair. Maybe this is my chance to fulfill this crazy dream.
I have been taking ativan (a tranquilizer) every night before bed and it has been helping my nerves and my vision. Or maybe I'm so tranquil, I don't give a fuck what I'm looking at..
The day after tomorrow is Chemo #10 of the final 12. I can't believe it..I hope I make it through this..I hope the cancer is gone forever..
Chemosabe
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Has anyone seen my soul?
The hair on my head is starting to come back in and it is mostly all white with some dark brown sprinkled in. My eyelashes are just barely hanging in there and my eyebrows are two faint markings on my forehead. My coloring is a pasty sickly grey...All of my fat pants are too tight and my vision is still very snowy with some random flashes thrown in. The neulasta shot that I get to boost my immunity has given me so much pain that I want to scream. I get these random shooting pains in my back, my skull, my sternum, and through my leg and arm bones when I least expect it. I have 4 more treatments to go and I have a feeling I'll be crawling to the finish line.
I don't feel much connection to anyone at home anymore. I love my kids and my husband, but I feel as though I am watching them in a movie as an audience member and I am not part of the picture. It seems as if I know these people as one would know characters in a sit com and I enjoy watching them, but I am not truly a part of their lives.
The only time I feel connected to anyone at all is when I'm at school with my students. These aren't even my children and there are days that we don't produce much musically...Today would be one of those days. All of my classes were extremely hyper and non-productive...As a result, I didn't feel connected to anyone today...not my family or my students. Yesterday was a much better day with my band kids, I felt that I was really communicating and I could literally feel the energy emanating from my body. Kids were smiling and I felt like we accomplished something.
When I get home from school, I am drained..I have nothing left to give anyone and I am an empty shell. In some ways, I feel like the chemo has drained the soul right out of my body. I am hoping that my soul isn't gone but is merely on sabbatical or is in some kind of dormant phase. I miss my family and want to reconnect with them, but I think more than anything, I miss myself and the way I used to be. I hope I come back soon.
Chemosabe
I don't feel much connection to anyone at home anymore. I love my kids and my husband, but I feel as though I am watching them in a movie as an audience member and I am not part of the picture. It seems as if I know these people as one would know characters in a sit com and I enjoy watching them, but I am not truly a part of their lives.
The only time I feel connected to anyone at all is when I'm at school with my students. These aren't even my children and there are days that we don't produce much musically...Today would be one of those days. All of my classes were extremely hyper and non-productive...As a result, I didn't feel connected to anyone today...not my family or my students. Yesterday was a much better day with my band kids, I felt that I was really communicating and I could literally feel the energy emanating from my body. Kids were smiling and I felt like we accomplished something.
When I get home from school, I am drained..I have nothing left to give anyone and I am an empty shell. In some ways, I feel like the chemo has drained the soul right out of my body. I am hoping that my soul isn't gone but is merely on sabbatical or is in some kind of dormant phase. I miss my family and want to reconnect with them, but I think more than anything, I miss myself and the way I used to be. I hope I come back soon.
Chemosabe
Friday, February 11, 2011
Mrs. Q-tip and the Valentine's day cookies
Yesterday, I finished up chemo #8 of the final 12 treatments. I'm still having the wacko vision (sounds like wonka vision from willy wonka and the chocolate factory but less fun and chocolate doesn't help it.) Drinking a lot of fluids and taking ativan seems to lessen it somewhat. Neither one of those things cures it, but the combination of the two, slows the snowy vision down.
I saw a nutritionist yesterday right before I went into chemo. She told me that I need to eat small meals 6 times a day rather than 3 large meals. Each meal should have a carb combined with a fat or a carb combined with a protein. This way of eating will hopefully keep me from getting ravenously hungry...Today, it seemed to work, except one of my snacks was three small chocolate cookies and dinner was way bigger than it should have been..She was right, I was less hungry :) I am afraid to weigh myself....
I seem to be growing more and more hair. The hair on my head is 90% white with some brown thrown in, but it is no longer patchy. My head looks and feels like a fuzzy Q-tip. It is so downy soft..I give myself scalp massages all the time because the hair is so fuzzy. I really wish I could wear my hair the way it is in public and ditch the stupid wigs. Unfortunately, I don't think the general public and my students are ready to see Mrs.Q-tip.
I am excited that I only have 4 more treatments...Less than a month from today, I will be done with chemotherapy, hopefully forever. After that, I will be visiting with my plastic surgeon to schedule my final surgery and I will probably have the ablation done as well. After that, I will hopefully be free of cancer for the rest of my life.
While I was getting chemo yesterday, this really young 20 year old was walking around the chemo room with cookies. I thought she was just some kid doing volunteer work. It turns out she is an ovarian cancer survivor. She was in her late teens when she was diagnosed. She said that it was just like a bad dream and it's over now. And here she was, giving out heart shaped cookies. I was so profoundly affected by her act of kindness..Giving back and helping after what she had been through. I feel like when I am done with all of this, I will find a way to help and give back to people suffering with this horrible disease. Maybe I too will think of this ordeal as a bad dream..
Sweet dreams,
Chemosabe
I saw a nutritionist yesterday right before I went into chemo. She told me that I need to eat small meals 6 times a day rather than 3 large meals. Each meal should have a carb combined with a fat or a carb combined with a protein. This way of eating will hopefully keep me from getting ravenously hungry...Today, it seemed to work, except one of my snacks was three small chocolate cookies and dinner was way bigger than it should have been..She was right, I was less hungry :) I am afraid to weigh myself....
I seem to be growing more and more hair. The hair on my head is 90% white with some brown thrown in, but it is no longer patchy. My head looks and feels like a fuzzy Q-tip. It is so downy soft..I give myself scalp massages all the time because the hair is so fuzzy. I really wish I could wear my hair the way it is in public and ditch the stupid wigs. Unfortunately, I don't think the general public and my students are ready to see Mrs.Q-tip.
I am excited that I only have 4 more treatments...Less than a month from today, I will be done with chemotherapy, hopefully forever. After that, I will be visiting with my plastic surgeon to schedule my final surgery and I will probably have the ablation done as well. After that, I will hopefully be free of cancer for the rest of my life.
While I was getting chemo yesterday, this really young 20 year old was walking around the chemo room with cookies. I thought she was just some kid doing volunteer work. It turns out she is an ovarian cancer survivor. She was in her late teens when she was diagnosed. She said that it was just like a bad dream and it's over now. And here she was, giving out heart shaped cookies. I was so profoundly affected by her act of kindness..Giving back and helping after what she had been through. I feel like when I am done with all of this, I will find a way to help and give back to people suffering with this horrible disease. Maybe I too will think of this ordeal as a bad dream..
Sweet dreams,
Chemosabe
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Happy hour and the chemorita
Friday. was a really weird and stressful day. My usual Thursday chemo was delayed until I could get my eyes checked on Friday. When I went to see my oncologist, I forgot to mention that she told me that my bizarre vision was not imaginary. She did, however, tell me that she thought I was making it worse by being stressed and that I have been stressed since day 1. (Like who wouldn't be..) She said that I should meditate, try some yoga, and up my xanax intake until chemo is over. She also told me that I should try to go to some of the classes offered in the spa downstairs. I then explained to her that the majority of the classes take place during the work day, I am out of sick days, and that I have been working pretty consistently since starting the taxol.
I really like and respect my oncologist. She is a very intelligent and capable doctor. That being said, her comments about my stress level and how to manage it irritated me. I know that she means well, but honestly, how does she know that meditating and taking yoga would make me feel better? All of this sitting in one place has stressed me out more than anything. I would rather be at work moving around and teaching, riding my bike, taking a dance class, taking a walk, etc..That's what brings my stress level down...Not bending myself around on a mat when my bones hurt and/or sitting and humming to some stinky-assed incense. (I know meditation doesn't require incense, but still, that's what I picture.) I sometimes wish that before making a comment like that, the doctor would know a little bit more about me as a person. Besides, no one knows for sure how he/she would react with a cancer diagnosis. Even an oncologist who has done this for 15 years couldn't possibly know...I think she was being a little judgemental of me.
The eye exam went pretty well although it was pretty horrible as far as eye exams go. My pupils were dialated and I had a quick refraction done. My vision is 20/20 or better in both eyes. Then, the doctor checked my eye pressure which I totally hate..Last, he put these very viscous drops in my eyes. He then stuck this one inch conical piece of plastic with a contact lens on the end, on both of my eyes to check my optic nerves. Luckily, I took a 1/2 of a xanax before so that I wouldn't have a full blown panic attack. Everything came back looking normal. I do however, have a small cyst on my left eye. He said that it looks as if it was filled with water and he wants to watch it to make sure it doesn't grow. He doesn't believe that it's cancer, just a typical cyst. He said jokingly, if it grows to the size of a watermelon, we'll do something about it. The doctor told me to proceed with the chemotherapy, which I am thrilled about. After today, I am at the half-way mark of the final 12.
The chemo session on Friday went really well. I think the combination of temporarily stopping the norethin (which is a progesterone tablet to stop the bleeding I was having) and having ativan and benedryl (both calming agents) made my vision a whole lot better. My dad, who is a retired psychiatrist, said that the norethin, plus this other supplement I'm taking called glutamine, could be "exciting" my brain and causing these images. The ativan, which is part of what I get during chemo, chemically calms down those receptors. When I had my chemo today, I felt like I was having a happy hour margarita after a hard day at work. In fact, I felt so good after the session, I went out to eat dinner with my family.
I have been reciting these prayers that I keep in my wallet when I feel stressed or terrified. Since I had such a rough day yesterday, I took them out of my bag a lot and said them to myself. It really did help. If that's the kind of meditation that the doctor wants me to do, I can accomodate her on that one. Maybe that and my chemoritas will get me through the next six weeks.
Chemosabe
I really like and respect my oncologist. She is a very intelligent and capable doctor. That being said, her comments about my stress level and how to manage it irritated me. I know that she means well, but honestly, how does she know that meditating and taking yoga would make me feel better? All of this sitting in one place has stressed me out more than anything. I would rather be at work moving around and teaching, riding my bike, taking a dance class, taking a walk, etc..That's what brings my stress level down...Not bending myself around on a mat when my bones hurt and/or sitting and humming to some stinky-assed incense. (I know meditation doesn't require incense, but still, that's what I picture.) I sometimes wish that before making a comment like that, the doctor would know a little bit more about me as a person. Besides, no one knows for sure how he/she would react with a cancer diagnosis. Even an oncologist who has done this for 15 years couldn't possibly know...I think she was being a little judgemental of me.
The eye exam went pretty well although it was pretty horrible as far as eye exams go. My pupils were dialated and I had a quick refraction done. My vision is 20/20 or better in both eyes. Then, the doctor checked my eye pressure which I totally hate..Last, he put these very viscous drops in my eyes. He then stuck this one inch conical piece of plastic with a contact lens on the end, on both of my eyes to check my optic nerves. Luckily, I took a 1/2 of a xanax before so that I wouldn't have a full blown panic attack. Everything came back looking normal. I do however, have a small cyst on my left eye. He said that it looks as if it was filled with water and he wants to watch it to make sure it doesn't grow. He doesn't believe that it's cancer, just a typical cyst. He said jokingly, if it grows to the size of a watermelon, we'll do something about it. The doctor told me to proceed with the chemotherapy, which I am thrilled about. After today, I am at the half-way mark of the final 12.
The chemo session on Friday went really well. I think the combination of temporarily stopping the norethin (which is a progesterone tablet to stop the bleeding I was having) and having ativan and benedryl (both calming agents) made my vision a whole lot better. My dad, who is a retired psychiatrist, said that the norethin, plus this other supplement I'm taking called glutamine, could be "exciting" my brain and causing these images. The ativan, which is part of what I get during chemo, chemically calms down those receptors. When I had my chemo today, I felt like I was having a happy hour margarita after a hard day at work. In fact, I felt so good after the session, I went out to eat dinner with my family.
I have been reciting these prayers that I keep in my wallet when I feel stressed or terrified. Since I had such a rough day yesterday, I took them out of my bag a lot and said them to myself. It really did help. If that's the kind of meditation that the doctor wants me to do, I can accomodate her on that one. Maybe that and my chemoritas will get me through the next six weeks.
Chemosabe
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..
For the last couple of days, I have been having problems with my vision. Everything I see looks "pixelated" and seems to vibrate. It's as if I can see the atomic makeup of a wall, a table, or the sky. Sometimes I see little sparks jump around. I have had these symptoms before with my vision. It usually occurs a day or two after a chemo treatment and then disappears. This time after treatment it got worse and still isn't gone.
I was terrified when I woke up this morning and the strange vision still hadn't gone away. I started hyperventillating and bawling. Usually, sparkling lights remind me of the holidays: Christmas, New Years, and July 4th. Not this time...I was too traumatized to go to work for the morning.
After resting at home for the morning, I made it in to work for the afternoon. I spoke to my opthamolgist on the phone and described my symptoms which were: 1. Pixelated and vibrating vision with occasional sparks 2. The bizarre vision is in both eyes 3. When I look at something bright and then look away I have an afterglow of the image I just looked at. The overall sensation I have is of t.v. snow as an overlay to everything I look at, except the overlay is transparent. The opthamologist said that the good news is that the bizarre vision is occuring in both eyes. He thought that the problems I am experiencing is not visual as much as it is neurological. He told me that he wants me to make an appointment with my neurologist. Oh joy, another doctor's appointment...
The questions that went through my mind today were, 1. Am I going to go blind or are these visual changes permanent and 2. Am I going to make it through this chemotherapy and live a long time without recurrance? I started feeling incredibly alone again. I felt isolated from my family, my friends, and again from the big G, God.
If you know me at all, you know that I have this current obsession and fascination with the "Battlestar Gallactica" series...Not the old one from the '70's, but the one from the 21st century. I started watching it around the time I was diagnosed with cancer. It turned out, one of the main characters in the series is a woman president of the human colonies who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. At first, I was hesitant to continue watching the series because it hit a little too close to home. It turns out, her character is just what I needed to watch. She's courageous, beautiful, and wise. She is a great leader and a fighter..Even though she's fictitious, she's a great person for me to watch right now.
Tonght, as I was watching the series (and it's really getting good!!), there was a scene that absolutely blew me away. During one of the scenes, while the president is getting chemo (the red kind like I received), she visits with another cancer patient whose name is Emily...That caught my attention to say the least...Emily starts telling the president not to fear the end because Emily had a vision. She tells the president that in a dream she took a boat to meet her family on the other side and that she wasn't alone in death. The president then tells Emily that she doesn't believe in an afterlife. The president said that she watched her mother die of breast cancer...who was a teacher who had students that loved her, who would walk across fire for her...(that also got my attention..) The president continued to say that when her mother the teacher died there was nothing.. just a shroud of sadness. Emily then told her, that didn't necessarily happen to her mother...That was just a child's view of what happened. In the next scene, the president was dreaming. She was on that boat riding across the water and she sees her deceased mother. The president says, "I'm glad you're ok, Mother..but I'm not ready to go yet."
I still struggle with God and his/her existence on a daily basis. Today was one of those days. But when I saw this episode tonight with my name in it, about a teacher, and about cancer...I felt like it was a sign...Especially when the ending had such a message of hope..."I'm not ready to go yet." I AM NOT READY TO GO YET!!!! "I AM NOT READY TO GO YET...." I have to keep believing that and saying that to myself over and over. It just isn't time.
Chemosabe
I was terrified when I woke up this morning and the strange vision still hadn't gone away. I started hyperventillating and bawling. Usually, sparkling lights remind me of the holidays: Christmas, New Years, and July 4th. Not this time...I was too traumatized to go to work for the morning.
After resting at home for the morning, I made it in to work for the afternoon. I spoke to my opthamolgist on the phone and described my symptoms which were: 1. Pixelated and vibrating vision with occasional sparks 2. The bizarre vision is in both eyes 3. When I look at something bright and then look away I have an afterglow of the image I just looked at. The overall sensation I have is of t.v. snow as an overlay to everything I look at, except the overlay is transparent. The opthamologist said that the good news is that the bizarre vision is occuring in both eyes. He thought that the problems I am experiencing is not visual as much as it is neurological. He told me that he wants me to make an appointment with my neurologist. Oh joy, another doctor's appointment...
The questions that went through my mind today were, 1. Am I going to go blind or are these visual changes permanent and 2. Am I going to make it through this chemotherapy and live a long time without recurrance? I started feeling incredibly alone again. I felt isolated from my family, my friends, and again from the big G, God.
If you know me at all, you know that I have this current obsession and fascination with the "Battlestar Gallactica" series...Not the old one from the '70's, but the one from the 21st century. I started watching it around the time I was diagnosed with cancer. It turned out, one of the main characters in the series is a woman president of the human colonies who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. At first, I was hesitant to continue watching the series because it hit a little too close to home. It turns out, her character is just what I needed to watch. She's courageous, beautiful, and wise. She is a great leader and a fighter..Even though she's fictitious, she's a great person for me to watch right now.
Tonght, as I was watching the series (and it's really getting good!!), there was a scene that absolutely blew me away. During one of the scenes, while the president is getting chemo (the red kind like I received), she visits with another cancer patient whose name is Emily...That caught my attention to say the least...Emily starts telling the president not to fear the end because Emily had a vision. She tells the president that in a dream she took a boat to meet her family on the other side and that she wasn't alone in death. The president then tells Emily that she doesn't believe in an afterlife. The president said that she watched her mother die of breast cancer...who was a teacher who had students that loved her, who would walk across fire for her...(that also got my attention..) The president continued to say that when her mother the teacher died there was nothing.. just a shroud of sadness. Emily then told her, that didn't necessarily happen to her mother...That was just a child's view of what happened. In the next scene, the president was dreaming. She was on that boat riding across the water and she sees her deceased mother. The president says, "I'm glad you're ok, Mother..but I'm not ready to go yet."
I still struggle with God and his/her existence on a daily basis. Today was one of those days. But when I saw this episode tonight with my name in it, about a teacher, and about cancer...I felt like it was a sign...Especially when the ending had such a message of hope..."I'm not ready to go yet." I AM NOT READY TO GO YET!!!! "I AM NOT READY TO GO YET...." I have to keep believing that and saying that to myself over and over. It just isn't time.
Chemosabe
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Nightmares and bone pain
I had my 5th chemo of the final 12 last Thursday. I had been feeling pretty good until I got my neulasta shot for boosting my white blood count yesterday. By the evening, my body was feeling compressed like it was in a vice grip. I took aleve along with my other nightly supplements. Right before bed, I took tramadol, another pain med. I couldn't fall asleep and I was up until about 2:15 a.m.
At 6 a.m. I woke up screaming from two horrible nightmares. I was convinced that my son and my father had died and I started to panic and hyperventillate. My body felt like it had been beaten with a baseball bat. My head, specifically my skull, felt like it was bruised...It was hard to walk from pain. My husband Elliott gave me xanax to calm down, aleve for my body pain, and frova for my impending migraine. He also talked to me and convinced me that Ethan and my Dad were ok. The dreams were too real and disturbing. I am suspecting the cuprit for the mind-fuck is the tramadol.
My weight is continuing to climb, 2 pounds a week. I have gained about 13 or so pounds since starting chemo, most of it has come on since I started the taxol. I have been doing weight watchers this week and I seem to be gaining even more weight. I have decided to give up all sugars, including fruit and see if that helps. I would like to see a dietician at the START center where I get my chemo, but the hours are during my work time. I have used up all of my sick leave and cannot take any more days off.
My December paycheck had about $500 dollars deducted from it from missing work. This month, I lost $1800. I have been a member of the sick leave bank for years and so I put in an application to have that money reimbursed. I also have disability insurance and I'm going to apply for that as well.
I am trying my hardest to fight and stay positive, but this has been an incredibly difficult week. It seems as though anything I enjoy doing, eating, sleeping, fixing my hair, exercising, I can't do. The loneliness and feeling of helplessness is starting to kick in again. I am hoping it's just a phase and things will settle down again.
Chemosabe
At 6 a.m. I woke up screaming from two horrible nightmares. I was convinced that my son and my father had died and I started to panic and hyperventillate. My body felt like it had been beaten with a baseball bat. My head, specifically my skull, felt like it was bruised...It was hard to walk from pain. My husband Elliott gave me xanax to calm down, aleve for my body pain, and frova for my impending migraine. He also talked to me and convinced me that Ethan and my Dad were ok. The dreams were too real and disturbing. I am suspecting the cuprit for the mind-fuck is the tramadol.
My weight is continuing to climb, 2 pounds a week. I have gained about 13 or so pounds since starting chemo, most of it has come on since I started the taxol. I have been doing weight watchers this week and I seem to be gaining even more weight. I have decided to give up all sugars, including fruit and see if that helps. I would like to see a dietician at the START center where I get my chemo, but the hours are during my work time. I have used up all of my sick leave and cannot take any more days off.
My December paycheck had about $500 dollars deducted from it from missing work. This month, I lost $1800. I have been a member of the sick leave bank for years and so I put in an application to have that money reimbursed. I also have disability insurance and I'm going to apply for that as well.
I am trying my hardest to fight and stay positive, but this has been an incredibly difficult week. It seems as though anything I enjoy doing, eating, sleeping, fixing my hair, exercising, I can't do. The loneliness and feeling of helplessness is starting to kick in again. I am hoping it's just a phase and things will settle down again.
Chemosabe
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My fuzzy skunk head and the case of the missing nose hair
I have had 4 chemo treatments of the taxol and so far everything is going pretty well. There are days that I feel almost like my old self. When it stops raining, I plan on going out and walking again and riding my bike too. So far (knock on wood) I haven't missed any work with the new taxol treatments. I have my treatments at 2 p.m. on Thursdays, and I'm back to work the next day. Since I am missing my top band every Thursday, I am having early rehearsals with them every Thursday morning at 7:15 a.m. to make sure that I see them at least once that day. Since UIL band contest is coming up, I need to make sure that I get as much time with my students as possible.
There are a couple of annoying side-effects with this new treatment. One, is the steroids that I take intravenously to prevent nausea and other complications. They make me hyper-active and pretty aggressive. The day immediately following chemo, I feel like I don't have much of a social filter. I am a little fearful that if a student or a parent annoys me too much, that I'll go off with a bout of Tourette's....that would not be good. I also have trouble sleeping after the treatment, so I'm having to take a .25 of xanax every night. The nurse calls it "mother's little helper." I am definitely a mother that needs a little help! Another side effect of this chemo and the steroids is the consistent weight gain. I really need to go back on weight watchers, but the plan has changed and I don't feel as though I understand it very well. (Lame excuse, I know..) The last side effect is heart palpitations. When I get them, I take xanax, and that seems to help. I tend to get them in the middle of the night after treatment and I think it's related to the hyperactivity from the steroids.
I started a new progesterone supplement to try and thin out the lining of my uterus. It is possible that the lining will thin enough that I won't need an ablation after chemo and that the polyp will disappear. (It's not likely, but there is a chance.) The bleeding finally did stop with the aid of this medication. Luckily, the cancer I have is only estrogen positive and not progesterone positive. So, the cancer will not grow with the progesterone supplement.
There are days that I feel really good and I am grateful. At the same time, I keep wondering when things will go wrong. In some ways, I feel just as good or better than I did before my surgery. My state of mind is overall very positive and I am not very fatigued during the day. At night, I collapse and fall asleep, but that's not a bad thing right?
I have started to grow fuzz all over my head. The majority of it is white with some black mixed in. Most of the black is located in a stripe down the middle of my head. I sort of look like a reverse skunk and it's very odd looking. Even so, I am proud of my fuzzy hair!! I have begun shaving my legs a couple of times a week and my eyebrows still haven't completely fallen out. When I use a little bit of eyebrow pencil, the brows actually look normal. I really miss my nosehair..I never had much of it, but I am learning how important it is. My nose no longer has a dust filter and I find that every little thing makes me sneeze. Don't ever take your nosehair for granted!!!!
Since I have this renewed energy, I have begun cleaning up my house a little bit and doing some cooking. I have been making salads and other healthy dishes for myself and my family. I made a really delicious caprese salad that my brother taught me how to make. I think I ended up eating two whole tomatoes by myself!!
I hope everyone is enjoying their new year. Good health and happiness to you all!
Chemosabe
There are a couple of annoying side-effects with this new treatment. One, is the steroids that I take intravenously to prevent nausea and other complications. They make me hyper-active and pretty aggressive. The day immediately following chemo, I feel like I don't have much of a social filter. I am a little fearful that if a student or a parent annoys me too much, that I'll go off with a bout of Tourette's....that would not be good. I also have trouble sleeping after the treatment, so I'm having to take a .25 of xanax every night. The nurse calls it "mother's little helper." I am definitely a mother that needs a little help! Another side effect of this chemo and the steroids is the consistent weight gain. I really need to go back on weight watchers, but the plan has changed and I don't feel as though I understand it very well. (Lame excuse, I know..) The last side effect is heart palpitations. When I get them, I take xanax, and that seems to help. I tend to get them in the middle of the night after treatment and I think it's related to the hyperactivity from the steroids.
I started a new progesterone supplement to try and thin out the lining of my uterus. It is possible that the lining will thin enough that I won't need an ablation after chemo and that the polyp will disappear. (It's not likely, but there is a chance.) The bleeding finally did stop with the aid of this medication. Luckily, the cancer I have is only estrogen positive and not progesterone positive. So, the cancer will not grow with the progesterone supplement.
There are days that I feel really good and I am grateful. At the same time, I keep wondering when things will go wrong. In some ways, I feel just as good or better than I did before my surgery. My state of mind is overall very positive and I am not very fatigued during the day. At night, I collapse and fall asleep, but that's not a bad thing right?
I have started to grow fuzz all over my head. The majority of it is white with some black mixed in. Most of the black is located in a stripe down the middle of my head. I sort of look like a reverse skunk and it's very odd looking. Even so, I am proud of my fuzzy hair!! I have begun shaving my legs a couple of times a week and my eyebrows still haven't completely fallen out. When I use a little bit of eyebrow pencil, the brows actually look normal. I really miss my nosehair..I never had much of it, but I am learning how important it is. My nose no longer has a dust filter and I find that every little thing makes me sneeze. Don't ever take your nosehair for granted!!!!
Since I have this renewed energy, I have begun cleaning up my house a little bit and doing some cooking. I have been making salads and other healthy dishes for myself and my family. I made a really delicious caprese salad that my brother taught me how to make. I think I ended up eating two whole tomatoes by myself!!
I hope everyone is enjoying their new year. Good health and happiness to you all!
Chemosabe
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