I had my 5th chemo of the final 12 last Thursday. I had been feeling pretty good until I got my neulasta shot for boosting my white blood count yesterday. By the evening, my body was feeling compressed like it was in a vice grip. I took aleve along with my other nightly supplements. Right before bed, I took tramadol, another pain med. I couldn't fall asleep and I was up until about 2:15 a.m.
At 6 a.m. I woke up screaming from two horrible nightmares. I was convinced that my son and my father had died and I started to panic and hyperventillate. My body felt like it had been beaten with a baseball bat. My head, specifically my skull, felt like it was bruised...It was hard to walk from pain. My husband Elliott gave me xanax to calm down, aleve for my body pain, and frova for my impending migraine. He also talked to me and convinced me that Ethan and my Dad were ok. The dreams were too real and disturbing. I am suspecting the cuprit for the mind-fuck is the tramadol.
My weight is continuing to climb, 2 pounds a week. I have gained about 13 or so pounds since starting chemo, most of it has come on since I started the taxol. I have been doing weight watchers this week and I seem to be gaining even more weight. I have decided to give up all sugars, including fruit and see if that helps. I would like to see a dietician at the START center where I get my chemo, but the hours are during my work time. I have used up all of my sick leave and cannot take any more days off.
My December paycheck had about $500 dollars deducted from it from missing work. This month, I lost $1800. I have been a member of the sick leave bank for years and so I put in an application to have that money reimbursed. I also have disability insurance and I'm going to apply for that as well.
I am trying my hardest to fight and stay positive, but this has been an incredibly difficult week. It seems as though anything I enjoy doing, eating, sleeping, fixing my hair, exercising, I can't do. The loneliness and feeling of helplessness is starting to kick in again. I am hoping it's just a phase and things will settle down again.
Chemosabe
This is all just a phase--from the cancer to the chemo to the hair loss to the weight gain to the nightmares--it too shall all pass. Grandpa Stanley always said, "This too shall pass." It is a simple phrase, but it gets me through the big stuff and the small stuff. That is how you keep going and how I keep going--knowing that this is a phase and that when you get past it, it will be a distant memory that will become more and more remote as time wears on. You won't remember this nightmare, and the pain you are feeling will abate and be gone one day, and maybe mostly forgotten. You have so much now and so much to look forward to. And your hair looks cool!
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Jon