Friday. was a really weird and stressful day. My usual Thursday chemo was delayed until I could get my eyes checked on Friday. When I went to see my oncologist, I forgot to mention that she told me that my bizarre vision was not imaginary. She did, however, tell me that she thought I was making it worse by being stressed and that I have been stressed since day 1. (Like who wouldn't be..) She said that I should meditate, try some yoga, and up my xanax intake until chemo is over. She also told me that I should try to go to some of the classes offered in the spa downstairs. I then explained to her that the majority of the classes take place during the work day, I am out of sick days, and that I have been working pretty consistently since starting the taxol.
I really like and respect my oncologist. She is a very intelligent and capable doctor. That being said, her comments about my stress level and how to manage it irritated me. I know that she means well, but honestly, how does she know that meditating and taking yoga would make me feel better? All of this sitting in one place has stressed me out more than anything. I would rather be at work moving around and teaching, riding my bike, taking a dance class, taking a walk, etc..That's what brings my stress level down...Not bending myself around on a mat when my bones hurt and/or sitting and humming to some stinky-assed incense. (I know meditation doesn't require incense, but still, that's what I picture.) I sometimes wish that before making a comment like that, the doctor would know a little bit more about me as a person. Besides, no one knows for sure how he/she would react with a cancer diagnosis. Even an oncologist who has done this for 15 years couldn't possibly know...I think she was being a little judgemental of me.
The eye exam went pretty well although it was pretty horrible as far as eye exams go. My pupils were dialated and I had a quick refraction done. My vision is 20/20 or better in both eyes. Then, the doctor checked my eye pressure which I totally hate..Last, he put these very viscous drops in my eyes. He then stuck this one inch conical piece of plastic with a contact lens on the end, on both of my eyes to check my optic nerves. Luckily, I took a 1/2 of a xanax before so that I wouldn't have a full blown panic attack. Everything came back looking normal. I do however, have a small cyst on my left eye. He said that it looks as if it was filled with water and he wants to watch it to make sure it doesn't grow. He doesn't believe that it's cancer, just a typical cyst. He said jokingly, if it grows to the size of a watermelon, we'll do something about it. The doctor told me to proceed with the chemotherapy, which I am thrilled about. After today, I am at the half-way mark of the final 12.
The chemo session on Friday went really well. I think the combination of temporarily stopping the norethin (which is a progesterone tablet to stop the bleeding I was having) and having ativan and benedryl (both calming agents) made my vision a whole lot better. My dad, who is a retired psychiatrist, said that the norethin, plus this other supplement I'm taking called glutamine, could be "exciting" my brain and causing these images. The ativan, which is part of what I get during chemo, chemically calms down those receptors. When I had my chemo today, I felt like I was having a happy hour margarita after a hard day at work. In fact, I felt so good after the session, I went out to eat dinner with my family.
I have been reciting these prayers that I keep in my wallet when I feel stressed or terrified. Since I had such a rough day yesterday, I took them out of my bag a lot and said them to myself. It really did help. If that's the kind of meditation that the doctor wants me to do, I can accomodate her on that one. Maybe that and my chemoritas will get me through the next six weeks.
Chemosabe
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