Yesterday afternoon, I went to Dillards to buy some makeup. I decided I would at least try to go to school without my wig. I hadn't worn my wig much during spring break and the temperatures during the week had continued to climb. The temperature change combined with new hair growth and hot flashes, made wearing a wig unbearable. I decided if I was going to go wigless, I needed big hoop earrings and more makeup. I already had the earrings, almost as big as bracelets..Now all I needed was some eyebrows.
I went to the clinique counter and a really nice woman helped me get some eyebrow shadow, eye shadow, and some light base. Seeing myself in the mirror, I wanted to cry. I looked so pale and sickly. I barely recognized myself. After the clinique lady helped me put on the makeup, I felt a little better about my appearance. She also told me about her mother who is a cancer survivor. It seems everywhere I go, I find people that either had cancer or have a close relative that had it.
After my trip to Dillards, I ate dinner, and I went to Alon H.E.B. to purchase some last minute groceries before Monday. As I was there, I went to the beauty section to buy hair gel. At first, I wanted to cry..What in the hell am I doing buying hair gel?? I barely have enough hair on my head to cover a peach. I started looking around at all of the products I used to use..Mousse, different gels, smoothing serums. All of these products used to be a huge part of my life as my hair was such a huge part of my body image. I finally blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes, and I bought the damn gel.
I went to school today with a light cotton hat on and my new makeup on my face. As the morning went on, I took off my hat..My students as they walked by would look at me sideways..I just smiled at them and said hello. At the beginning of each class, I told my students, "It finally happened..You guys stressed me out so much that over spring break, my hair fell out and grew in white." My 7th and 8th graders understood that I was just kidding..Many of my sixth graders just looked at me with wide eyes. I had to tell those poor babies that I was just kidding.
After I told the students I was just joking, I told them that I had cancer, chemo was over, and as of now, everything was looking good. I told them that the wig was getting to be too hot and the new hair was starting to stick out from under the wig. I told them that I had white hair before it fell out and that I had been coloring it for years. The students applauded after I told them that chemo was over and I took a bow. One student asked me if I would consider dying my hair blue..
It is interesting..I thought that all of my stressful days relating to the chemo was over with. Today, going into school without a wig was one of the most stressful days of the whole diagnosis and treatment. I really love my job and my students. I didn't want to scare them or shock them in a negative way. They handled what I said so well..Kids never cease to surprise or amaze me.
I think for now, I will continue referring to myself as Chemosabe even though I am done with chemo. The chemo and it's effects are still running rampant in my body and will be for a while..In the meantime, I am continuing to live and to fight.
Chemosabe
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