Why can't they see me?

For the last couple of weeks I have gone without my wig.  The temperature has begun to rise and it has gotten too hot outside.  The hair on my head was getting so that the wig no longer covered it.  It was like I had a hairdo under another hairdo.  The facade was just ridiculous.

I have tried to make my new look more convincing by playing up the rock and roll look.  I have been wearing large hoop earrings, as many necklaces as I can get away with at a time and more makeup.  I have gotten many compliments on my appearance. People in general have been very accepting of what I'm trying to do....Everyone except my own children.

Tonight we went to an open house at my children's school.  The parents and the kids got to look around at some of the different activities that the children were participating in at school.  Both of my kids wanted Elliott to see their classrooms and starting fighting over him.  Neither child wanted me to visit their classrooms.  I knew the reason why...

Over the last couple of weeks, my children have been mortified that I haven't been wearing my wig in public.  Both of my kids have begged me to put it back on after I told them I wouldn't be wearing it anymore.  I told them I was too hot to wear it and it made me uncomfortable because it was starting to give me tension headaches. Neither child was understanding.

Tonight, in the car, after I realized what was going on, I asked them, "So you guys are telling me that you are embarrassed to be seen around me because of my hair?"  Neither child said anything.  I said, "If you had cancer and you lost all of your hair, I would stand by you and I would NEVER EVER be embarrassed by you."

I really feel as though as a parent I have failed.  Why can't my children see me beyond my damn hair?  I had mammograms, three very painful biopsies, a double mastectomy with reconstruction, a subsequent surgery, a PET/CT scan, and six months of chemotherapy.  It was the toughest time of my life and I went through all of this for them...So that I could be alive for them...I am not a freak with fuzzy white hair.  I am a cancer survivor and I am a warrior.

I have been called many things in my life...intelliegent, beautiful, bitchy, and stubborn....but never, ever have I been an embarrassment to anyone...Maybe I'm overreacting because I had a tough week at work and I'm exhausted.  Everything has been such a struggle and now I find myself fighting for my children's love and acceptance.  That feels so wrong and hurtful.

In my entire life, I have never felt so alone.