The hair on my head is starting to come back in and it is mostly all white with some dark brown sprinkled in. My eyelashes are just barely hanging in there and my eyebrows are two faint markings on my forehead. My coloring is a pasty sickly grey...All of my fat pants are too tight and my vision is still very snowy with some random flashes thrown in. The neulasta shot that I get to boost my immunity has given me so much pain that I want to scream. I get these random shooting pains in my back, my skull, my sternum, and through my leg and arm bones when I least expect it. I have 4 more treatments to go and I have a feeling I'll be crawling to the finish line.
I don't feel much connection to anyone at home anymore. I love my kids and my husband, but I feel as though I am watching them in a movie as an audience member and I am not part of the picture. It seems as if I know these people as one would know characters in a sit com and I enjoy watching them, but I am not truly a part of their lives.
The only time I feel connected to anyone at all is when I'm at school with my students. These aren't even my children and there are days that we don't produce much musically...Today would be one of those days. All of my classes were extremely hyper and non-productive...As a result, I didn't feel connected to anyone today...not my family or my students. Yesterday was a much better day with my band kids, I felt that I was really communicating and I could literally feel the energy emanating from my body. Kids were smiling and I felt like we accomplished something.
When I get home from school, I am drained..I have nothing left to give anyone and I am an empty shell. In some ways, I feel like the chemo has drained the soul right out of my body. I am hoping that my soul isn't gone but is merely on sabbatical or is in some kind of dormant phase. I miss my family and want to reconnect with them, but I think more than anything, I miss myself and the way I used to be. I hope I come back soon.
Chemosabe
Hey, i read this last nite in bed...on Stephen's ipad and it was too difficult to log him out and me in.
ReplyDeleteBUT, you seem better today, so that is great.
I am so sorry you are having such a rough go here!!
I can't imagine how you must feel being unconnected AND drained!
I have no words of wisdom except to focus on the finish line.
Try to remember that you have sooooo many people praying for you and routing for you - that care about you - we are all waiting for you to come back too - cancer free!!!