10/6/10--Weakness and rage

I went to work today early for morning rehearsal.  I ended up being shuffled by a couple of teachers to the nurse's office because I got really weak and started seeing stars.  When I was a kid and I didn't feel well, I would go the the nurse's office, the nurse would call my mom or dad and I would get picked up from school.  The same thing happened today. The nurse called my dad and he picked me up at school.  Yet another episode of feeling like a helpless child has transpired in this fucked up situation.

I have gone from feeling guilty to feeling enraged.  Feeling enraged in a very weak body is a new and bizarre feeling.  I want to burst out of this eggshell body of mine and rage against this weakness.  But, I don't have the energy to do anything except shuffle around.  I'm not sure what to do with this anger and frustration on the inside.  I used to kick box or ride my bike or just scream bloody murder when I would feel anger.  (The bloody murder screaming was usually accompanied by the hurling of an object..Usually a portable phone or an alarm clock.) I have no outlet for my rage except to write about it on this blog and continue to shuffle around in intervals.

I am pissed, no I am fucking pissed that I have to feel like a helpless infant.  I am angry that I can't go to work and do my job and be with my students.  I am angry that I am not able to ride my bike even around the block.  I am angry that people feel sorry for me and that my parents are taking care of me.  So much of my independence is gone and I am enraged!

I don't know if I believe in God.  I wrestle with that all of the time and I am especially wrestling with that now. I know there are people that have it so much worse than I do.  My cancer will be curable..So many others aren't as lucky.  Even so, why in the hell is this happening?  Will all of these questions be revealed in time? And, do I really give a shit what God thinks?

When I got home today, I sat in bed just watching t.v.  One of my favorite movies of all time was on called "Billy Elliot."  For those of you who don't know, it's about an 11 year old kid who ends up being a dancing genius.  He grew up with a family that didn't know anything about the ballet and certainly didn't appreciate it.  The boy's brother and father thought that anyone who dances is a "puff" or is gay.  The kid had a wonderful teacher who worked with him and brought out the best in him.  Billy ended up attending the Royal Ballet in London.  At the end of the movie is a very moving scene with Billy dancing to "Swan Lake" as the lead swan. 

This movie kept making me think about a couple of things.  First, how valuable it is to be a teacher, especially when I get that special student that I can work with to make into the best of the best.  Billy is that age that I work with at the middle school.  I love seeing the potential in a student and I have the ability to see it and mold it even at that awkward age.  The other thing I kept thinking about is how the learning process is just that..a process.  This kid started out as an awkward duckling and became the swan at the end of the movie.  Maybe this disease is a process for me.  Right now, I am the ugly duckling.  At the end, maybe I'll grow into a beautiful swan.  More beautiful and wiser than before.