I haven't been writing on the blog for the last few days because I have been feeling really good for the most part and I have been out enjoying life. The horrible bone pain finally disappeared and I can't tell you how grateful I was to have that gone! It was the strangest thing. I was talking and laughing on the phone with a friend of mine from college for about an hour. We hadn't spoken in about 20 years and it was great to catch up. When the conversation was over, the pain was gone. Now, the pain in general had been getting a lot better before the conversation, but I still had a little discomfort. After the conversation, I felt completely normal as if nothing had happened and the pain hasn't returned since. It seems that endorphines really are great pain killers!!!!
The only strange side effect that I have had lately has been with my hair. A couple of days ago, I had the most excruciating scalp pain that I believe was brought on by wearing a clip. (My hair cannot be styled especially with a flat iron. According to my doctor, the hair becomes brittle with chemo and it can break while styling. I certainly don't want to be burned..) I had to take a darvocet just to go to sleep b/c I couldn't even lie down on my pillow. It turns out that the pain is a precursor to losing hair. I have noticed a little shedding but no more than usual. I have been told that cutting my hair off (a crew cut not a close shave) would alleviate the scalp pain. I still have plenty of hair, but I am now facing the dilemma: Am I ready to start wearing wigs, hats and scarves? Am I ready for the stares and confused looks of my students? The answer to those questions is no. I am hoping that I will just know when it's time. I also have a concert on Wednesday and I will be in front of people. I think I will try to hang in there until after the concert.
All of my life part of my identity has been my very thick dark hair. When I was a little girl, my hair was very curly and I used to wear it in ponytails that made ringlets. When I was in middle school, I wore it in a Dorothy Hamil style bowl cut. Since it was so thick, it stood out from my head. Many of my peers called me mushroom. I was also thin at the time and very flat chested, giving my overall appearance as a mushroom. In college, I grew my hair long and wore it curly. I received so many compliments on my hair at that time and it really got me noticed by the boys. I think most of my dating life in college and during my masters degree was b/c of my beautiful dark brown hair.
In my late 20's, I started to gray and began coloring it when I was about 27. I wore it in many different styles. It was very short when I met my husband, I grew it long again, and then recently I cut it into a bob which I enjoyed very much. (The short bob was professional looking and it was easy to take care of.)
I am now entering into a phase that I have never dealt with before..The phase of no hair, wigs, hats and scarves. Even though my hair has always been such a huge part of my physical appearance my whole life, losing it doesn't seem to matter as much to me as I thought it would. Even though I have always been into fashion, hair, and makeup, I have never considered myself to be vain. I have never spent hours in front of the mirror admiring myself or worrying that I don't look right. Most of the time, I fix my hair, throw on some clothes and makeup and run out the door.
I think my real conflict is, how will my hair loss affect how my own children and my students. I have spoken openly with my kids about the hair loss and how I will be wearing wigs, hats, scarves, etc. Ironically, my son Ethan is the one that is the most upset by my impending hair loss. When I spoke to him last night, I told him first of all, that it's just hair and it will grow back. I assured him that I'm not worried about my hair at all and that my main concern was how he and Zoe felt about seeing me so physically different. Ethan told me that once I cut it off, he would feel more comfortable if I always had something covering my head when we were around eachother. I told him that I could do that for him and it was not a problem. The kids and I also decided that we would look for a crazy wig for me for Halloween.
On a completely different topic, I have had some of the best days with my children and my students lately. I have really been enjoying working with my students, laughing with them, and getting to know them. Band has been a lot of fun and a great outlet for me. My own children are so precious. I love their little smiles, their senses of humor and their perspectives. I find myself hugging and kissing my babies a lot more than I used to. Even when they are having bad days or even moments, I still look at them with wonder. I cannot believe that they are mine and how truly blessed I am to have them in my life.
Have a great weekend my friends!!
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