10-5-10 In bed almost all day

I fully planned on going to work today, but I just couldn't.  The nausea was bad when I woke up and it was finally stopped by phynergan, an anti-nausea medication.  The medicine's side-effect is sleepiness.  I think that side-effect combined with the side effect of the chemo made it almost impossible to get out of bed.  I have only been up to eat, and go to the bathroom.  I even kept the phones and remotes close to the bed.  I had so much to do at work today and it is always bothersome to me when I am not at school.  As a teacher, when I miss even a day, it seems like I have actually missed a week with my students.  I keep telling myself that it hasn't even been a week since my chemo treatment and I need to give myself a break.

One of the hardest things that I have had to deal with during this experience with cancer is guilt.  I am constantly battling these issues, "What did I do to get this disease?"  "I must have done something to deserve this."  My physical background is not really conducive to getting cancer especially at such an early age.  I have no history of breast cancer (although my grandmother had ovarian cancer in her 70's and there may be a link), I have never smoked a cigarette in my life, I rarely if ever drink alcohol, I have never taken birth control pills, I started my period late, and I breast fed both of my kids.  All of these factors should lead to a cancer free existence.  Yet in my case, it didn't.  I keep wondering...is this karma coming around to bite me in the ass for something I did in my past?

I have heard my whole life, to live each day like it's your last.  I don't know if I ever really understood that statement until I got my diagnosis.  I don't know if anyone really ever can unless he/she is faced with a life-threatening situation.  For many years, I have felt like I have been living life through gauze..Everything is blurry and just not sharp.  I haven't been enjoying my life and really enjoying my family especially my children.  Since my diagnosis, I feel and notice everything.  Every day I am sad that I have to live with this and put my family and friends through this illness..At the same time, this may be the first time in my life that I'm actually living..It has been a life-altering experience if nothing else.