For the last couple of weeks I have gone without my wig. The temperature has begun to rise and it has gotten too hot outside. The hair on my head was getting so that the wig no longer covered it. It was like I had a hairdo under another hairdo. The facade was just ridiculous.
I have tried to make my new look more convincing by playing up the rock and roll look. I have been wearing large hoop earrings, as many necklaces as I can get away with at a time and more makeup. I have gotten many compliments on my appearance. People in general have been very accepting of what I'm trying to do....Everyone except my own children.
Tonight we went to an open house at my children's school. The parents and the kids got to look around at some of the different activities that the children were participating in at school. Both of my kids wanted Elliott to see their classrooms and starting fighting over him. Neither child wanted me to visit their classrooms. I knew the reason why...
Over the last couple of weeks, my children have been mortified that I haven't been wearing my wig in public. Both of my kids have begged me to put it back on after I told them I wouldn't be wearing it anymore. I told them I was too hot to wear it and it made me uncomfortable because it was starting to give me tension headaches. Neither child was understanding.
Tonight, in the car, after I realized what was going on, I asked them, "So you guys are telling me that you are embarrassed to be seen around me because of my hair?" Neither child said anything. I said, "If you had cancer and you lost all of your hair, I would stand by you and I would NEVER EVER be embarrassed by you."
I really feel as though as a parent I have failed. Why can't my children see me beyond my damn hair? I had mammograms, three very painful biopsies, a double mastectomy with reconstruction, a subsequent surgery, a PET/CT scan, and six months of chemotherapy. It was the toughest time of my life and I went through all of this for them...So that I could be alive for them...I am not a freak with fuzzy white hair. I am a cancer survivor and I am a warrior.
I have been called many things in my life...intelliegent, beautiful, bitchy, and stubborn....but never, ever have I been an embarrassment to anyone...Maybe I'm overreacting because I had a tough week at work and I'm exhausted. Everything has been such a struggle and now I find myself fighting for my children's love and acceptance. That feels so wrong and hurtful.
In my entire life, I have never felt so alone.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
To wig or not to wig..That is the question
Yesterday afternoon, I went to Dillards to buy some makeup. I decided I would at least try to go to school without my wig. I hadn't worn my wig much during spring break and the temperatures during the week had continued to climb. The temperature change combined with new hair growth and hot flashes, made wearing a wig unbearable. I decided if I was going to go wigless, I needed big hoop earrings and more makeup. I already had the earrings, almost as big as bracelets..Now all I needed was some eyebrows.
I went to the clinique counter and a really nice woman helped me get some eyebrow shadow, eye shadow, and some light base. Seeing myself in the mirror, I wanted to cry. I looked so pale and sickly. I barely recognized myself. After the clinique lady helped me put on the makeup, I felt a little better about my appearance. She also told me about her mother who is a cancer survivor. It seems everywhere I go, I find people that either had cancer or have a close relative that had it.
After my trip to Dillards, I ate dinner, and I went to Alon H.E.B. to purchase some last minute groceries before Monday. As I was there, I went to the beauty section to buy hair gel. At first, I wanted to cry..What in the hell am I doing buying hair gel?? I barely have enough hair on my head to cover a peach. I started looking around at all of the products I used to use..Mousse, different gels, smoothing serums. All of these products used to be a huge part of my life as my hair was such a huge part of my body image. I finally blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes, and I bought the damn gel.
I went to school today with a light cotton hat on and my new makeup on my face. As the morning went on, I took off my hat..My students as they walked by would look at me sideways..I just smiled at them and said hello. At the beginning of each class, I told my students, "It finally happened..You guys stressed me out so much that over spring break, my hair fell out and grew in white." My 7th and 8th graders understood that I was just kidding..Many of my sixth graders just looked at me with wide eyes. I had to tell those poor babies that I was just kidding.
After I told the students I was just joking, I told them that I had cancer, chemo was over, and as of now, everything was looking good. I told them that the wig was getting to be too hot and the new hair was starting to stick out from under the wig. I told them that I had white hair before it fell out and that I had been coloring it for years. The students applauded after I told them that chemo was over and I took a bow. One student asked me if I would consider dying my hair blue..
It is interesting..I thought that all of my stressful days relating to the chemo was over with. Today, going into school without a wig was one of the most stressful days of the whole diagnosis and treatment. I really love my job and my students. I didn't want to scare them or shock them in a negative way. They handled what I said so well..Kids never cease to surprise or amaze me.
I think for now, I will continue referring to myself as Chemosabe even though I am done with chemo. The chemo and it's effects are still running rampant in my body and will be for a while..In the meantime, I am continuing to live and to fight.
Chemosabe
I went to the clinique counter and a really nice woman helped me get some eyebrow shadow, eye shadow, and some light base. Seeing myself in the mirror, I wanted to cry. I looked so pale and sickly. I barely recognized myself. After the clinique lady helped me put on the makeup, I felt a little better about my appearance. She also told me about her mother who is a cancer survivor. It seems everywhere I go, I find people that either had cancer or have a close relative that had it.
After my trip to Dillards, I ate dinner, and I went to Alon H.E.B. to purchase some last minute groceries before Monday. As I was there, I went to the beauty section to buy hair gel. At first, I wanted to cry..What in the hell am I doing buying hair gel?? I barely have enough hair on my head to cover a peach. I started looking around at all of the products I used to use..Mousse, different gels, smoothing serums. All of these products used to be a huge part of my life as my hair was such a huge part of my body image. I finally blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes, and I bought the damn gel.
I went to school today with a light cotton hat on and my new makeup on my face. As the morning went on, I took off my hat..My students as they walked by would look at me sideways..I just smiled at them and said hello. At the beginning of each class, I told my students, "It finally happened..You guys stressed me out so much that over spring break, my hair fell out and grew in white." My 7th and 8th graders understood that I was just kidding..Many of my sixth graders just looked at me with wide eyes. I had to tell those poor babies that I was just kidding.
After I told the students I was just joking, I told them that I had cancer, chemo was over, and as of now, everything was looking good. I told them that the wig was getting to be too hot and the new hair was starting to stick out from under the wig. I told them that I had white hair before it fell out and that I had been coloring it for years. The students applauded after I told them that chemo was over and I took a bow. One student asked me if I would consider dying my hair blue..
It is interesting..I thought that all of my stressful days relating to the chemo was over with. Today, going into school without a wig was one of the most stressful days of the whole diagnosis and treatment. I really love my job and my students. I didn't want to scare them or shock them in a negative way. They handled what I said so well..Kids never cease to surprise or amaze me.
I think for now, I will continue referring to myself as Chemosabe even though I am done with chemo. The chemo and it's effects are still running rampant in my body and will be for a while..In the meantime, I am continuing to live and to fight.
Chemosabe
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Defending our lives
Today is Thursday, and it is the day that I would normally be getting chemo, but I'm not! It's 4:15 p.m. and by now I would be wearing the frozen booties and gloves and be watching a romantic comedy half drunk from the ativan and benedryl. Instead I'm here in Bastrop, Texas at my in-laws house and before that, I was at the Lost Pines Resort.
I had such a great time at the resort, especially eating. Some of my favorites at the all you can eat buffet were: migas (Mexican eggs), sausage, red velvet cake, lox, and the ultimate, lobster mac and cheese. I don't know if any of you have ever seen the movie "Defending Your Life", but it reminded me of the food in that movie. (One of the basic premises in the movie is after people die, they go to this place where they are judged how they lived their lives. If a life was lived without fear, the person would move on in the universe and if the person lived with too much fear, the person was reincarnated.) While the dead people were being judged, they stayed at this place called Judgement City where they got to eat as much as they wanted, the food was incredible, and it was impossible to gain weight. The Lost Pines Resort buffet was a lot like that except for the eating with no consequences part.
My hair has really started to grow back in. It is almost completely white and I think it will end up being curly..at least at first. I am getting to the point now that I don't want to wear my wigs anymore. The temperature is getting warmer and the wigs are just making me very uncomfortable especially with the new hair growth. I am ready to go without a wig in public, but my own children are mortified when I go out like that. My nephews and my sister-in-law told me yesterday that they thought I should go without the wig and that my hair looked cool...sort of an Annie Lennox look. It will be interesting to see what happens when I get to school on Monday because I'm not sure I'll be wearing my wig..
I will go back to see the oncologist in 6 weeks. I will get a physical exam and start tamoxifen. Unless she finds something suspicious, I won't have any scans. I also will never have a mamogram again since the fat in my chest is not breast tissue. After that, I will come back every 6 months unless there is a complication, or something needs attention. I will continue with my current supplements for the next two months, and this Monday, I will start making arrangements for my final plastic surgery and ablation if I need it.
All of my cancer stuff seems so trivial lately. There are so many more important things going on in the world than my own personal struggles. I am devastated by what is going on in Texas right now with the governor and the budget cuts in education. I just don't understand why he is doing what he is doing and why he feels it's necessary to hurt the future of his state in the name of budget crunching. Children deserve as much money as we can throw at them when it comes to education and their future. He doesn't want to dig into the state's rainy day fund to help our schools. Mr. Governor, it is raining in Texas and it's raining hard..
Even more distressing is the horrible earthquake and resulting tsunami that occurred in Japan. I cannot even imagine what those people are dealing with right now. So many are dead, injured, and unaccounted for. There isn't enough food and water to go around and there is a strong possibility for a nuclear meltown in the affected power plants. This is the second disaster that I can think of in recent times that affected man's energy usage. (The other is the Gulf of Mexico disaster last April) Many think that these global events, are signaling the end of the world by God. Has anyone ever thought that maybe these are signs by God that man needs to find another energy source that won't destroy the earth? Maybe energy from oil and nuclear energy aren't long term answers? I'm just a band director and I never did well in science or math, but what about wind energy? Of course solar energy would be the most logical..After all, the sun is the biggest source we have and it's just sitting there in the sky waiting for us to use it. Surely with all of the incredible minds we have on this planet that someone can figure something out.
According to the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is next year, 2012. I am hoping and assuming this is not the truth. Even so, I hope that our national and state leaders start doing some things to ensure our future. I hope they pass some legislation to help our schools and the children of this state and country. I also hope that we can find a solution to our energy needs before our needs destroy us as a race.
I am feeling certain that I will win my battle with cancer...I just hope I live to see many more years and my fellow humans do too. 2012 is too soon for any of us.
I had such a great time at the resort, especially eating. Some of my favorites at the all you can eat buffet were: migas (Mexican eggs), sausage, red velvet cake, lox, and the ultimate, lobster mac and cheese. I don't know if any of you have ever seen the movie "Defending Your Life", but it reminded me of the food in that movie. (One of the basic premises in the movie is after people die, they go to this place where they are judged how they lived their lives. If a life was lived without fear, the person would move on in the universe and if the person lived with too much fear, the person was reincarnated.) While the dead people were being judged, they stayed at this place called Judgement City where they got to eat as much as they wanted, the food was incredible, and it was impossible to gain weight. The Lost Pines Resort buffet was a lot like that except for the eating with no consequences part.
My hair has really started to grow back in. It is almost completely white and I think it will end up being curly..at least at first. I am getting to the point now that I don't want to wear my wigs anymore. The temperature is getting warmer and the wigs are just making me very uncomfortable especially with the new hair growth. I am ready to go without a wig in public, but my own children are mortified when I go out like that. My nephews and my sister-in-law told me yesterday that they thought I should go without the wig and that my hair looked cool...sort of an Annie Lennox look. It will be interesting to see what happens when I get to school on Monday because I'm not sure I'll be wearing my wig..
I will go back to see the oncologist in 6 weeks. I will get a physical exam and start tamoxifen. Unless she finds something suspicious, I won't have any scans. I also will never have a mamogram again since the fat in my chest is not breast tissue. After that, I will come back every 6 months unless there is a complication, or something needs attention. I will continue with my current supplements for the next two months, and this Monday, I will start making arrangements for my final plastic surgery and ablation if I need it.
All of my cancer stuff seems so trivial lately. There are so many more important things going on in the world than my own personal struggles. I am devastated by what is going on in Texas right now with the governor and the budget cuts in education. I just don't understand why he is doing what he is doing and why he feels it's necessary to hurt the future of his state in the name of budget crunching. Children deserve as much money as we can throw at them when it comes to education and their future. He doesn't want to dig into the state's rainy day fund to help our schools. Mr. Governor, it is raining in Texas and it's raining hard..
Even more distressing is the horrible earthquake and resulting tsunami that occurred in Japan. I cannot even imagine what those people are dealing with right now. So many are dead, injured, and unaccounted for. There isn't enough food and water to go around and there is a strong possibility for a nuclear meltown in the affected power plants. This is the second disaster that I can think of in recent times that affected man's energy usage. (The other is the Gulf of Mexico disaster last April) Many think that these global events, are signaling the end of the world by God. Has anyone ever thought that maybe these are signs by God that man needs to find another energy source that won't destroy the earth? Maybe energy from oil and nuclear energy aren't long term answers? I'm just a band director and I never did well in science or math, but what about wind energy? Of course solar energy would be the most logical..After all, the sun is the biggest source we have and it's just sitting there in the sky waiting for us to use it. Surely with all of the incredible minds we have on this planet that someone can figure something out.
According to the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is next year, 2012. I am hoping and assuming this is not the truth. Even so, I hope that our national and state leaders start doing some things to ensure our future. I hope they pass some legislation to help our schools and the children of this state and country. I also hope that we can find a solution to our energy needs before our needs destroy us as a race.
I am feeling certain that I will win my battle with cancer...I just hope I live to see many more years and my fellow humans do too. 2012 is too soon for any of us.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Happy birthday to me
I have constant hot flashes, I'm fat, exhausted, have horrible bone pain, and my eyes are constantly irritated from my new eyelashes...The worst part is, I look like Johnny Carson with my new hair do. I'm a mess....But it's almost over...
Since this last chemo treatment and neulasta shot, I have been feeling miserable. I can barely get around from weakness and bone pain and I am constantly sweating. During my band classes today, I wiped my face and neck with a wet paper towel just to keep from passing out from hot flashes. It's so strange..when I take my temperature it's around 97..Chemo is bizarre shit.
This past Saturday, my top band and the second band went to tape clinic or pre-UIL band contest. Both bands did really well...Honestly, I can't believe that I had the energy to go all day with both bands. I think the reason why I was able to survive working all day Saturday was that my neulasta shot was delayed until Sunday. And when Sunday came, boy did I pay. I'm so incredibly proud of my students..They performed so well and frankly fooled everyone with their stellar behavior. One of the monitors said that my band was the best behaved band they saw all day. If only they knew what hyenas they really are on a regular basis...
This Thursday will be my final chemo treatment and I am overjoyed to say the least. It will also Ethan's 11th birthday. In a sense, it will be my birthday too...A new year without cancer..Even with my fat ass, I may have to treat myself to a piece of cake...After all, I think I deserve it.
Chemosabe
Since this last chemo treatment and neulasta shot, I have been feeling miserable. I can barely get around from weakness and bone pain and I am constantly sweating. During my band classes today, I wiped my face and neck with a wet paper towel just to keep from passing out from hot flashes. It's so strange..when I take my temperature it's around 97..Chemo is bizarre shit.
This past Saturday, my top band and the second band went to tape clinic or pre-UIL band contest. Both bands did really well...Honestly, I can't believe that I had the energy to go all day with both bands. I think the reason why I was able to survive working all day Saturday was that my neulasta shot was delayed until Sunday. And when Sunday came, boy did I pay. I'm so incredibly proud of my students..They performed so well and frankly fooled everyone with their stellar behavior. One of the monitors said that my band was the best behaved band they saw all day. If only they knew what hyenas they really are on a regular basis...
This Thursday will be my final chemo treatment and I am overjoyed to say the least. It will also Ethan's 11th birthday. In a sense, it will be my birthday too...A new year without cancer..Even with my fat ass, I may have to treat myself to a piece of cake...After all, I think I deserve it.
Chemosabe
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