Friday. was a really weird and stressful day. My usual Thursday chemo was delayed until I could get my eyes checked on Friday. When I went to see my oncologist, I forgot to mention that she told me that my bizarre vision was not imaginary. She did, however, tell me that she thought I was making it worse by being stressed and that I have been stressed since day 1. (Like who wouldn't be..) She said that I should meditate, try some yoga, and up my xanax intake until chemo is over. She also told me that I should try to go to some of the classes offered in the spa downstairs. I then explained to her that the majority of the classes take place during the work day, I am out of sick days, and that I have been working pretty consistently since starting the taxol.
I really like and respect my oncologist. She is a very intelligent and capable doctor. That being said, her comments about my stress level and how to manage it irritated me. I know that she means well, but honestly, how does she know that meditating and taking yoga would make me feel better? All of this sitting in one place has stressed me out more than anything. I would rather be at work moving around and teaching, riding my bike, taking a dance class, taking a walk, etc..That's what brings my stress level down...Not bending myself around on a mat when my bones hurt and/or sitting and humming to some stinky-assed incense. (I know meditation doesn't require incense, but still, that's what I picture.) I sometimes wish that before making a comment like that, the doctor would know a little bit more about me as a person. Besides, no one knows for sure how he/she would react with a cancer diagnosis. Even an oncologist who has done this for 15 years couldn't possibly know...I think she was being a little judgemental of me.
The eye exam went pretty well although it was pretty horrible as far as eye exams go. My pupils were dialated and I had a quick refraction done. My vision is 20/20 or better in both eyes. Then, the doctor checked my eye pressure which I totally hate..Last, he put these very viscous drops in my eyes. He then stuck this one inch conical piece of plastic with a contact lens on the end, on both of my eyes to check my optic nerves. Luckily, I took a 1/2 of a xanax before so that I wouldn't have a full blown panic attack. Everything came back looking normal. I do however, have a small cyst on my left eye. He said that it looks as if it was filled with water and he wants to watch it to make sure it doesn't grow. He doesn't believe that it's cancer, just a typical cyst. He said jokingly, if it grows to the size of a watermelon, we'll do something about it. The doctor told me to proceed with the chemotherapy, which I am thrilled about. After today, I am at the half-way mark of the final 12.
The chemo session on Friday went really well. I think the combination of temporarily stopping the norethin (which is a progesterone tablet to stop the bleeding I was having) and having ativan and benedryl (both calming agents) made my vision a whole lot better. My dad, who is a retired psychiatrist, said that the norethin, plus this other supplement I'm taking called glutamine, could be "exciting" my brain and causing these images. The ativan, which is part of what I get during chemo, chemically calms down those receptors. When I had my chemo today, I felt like I was having a happy hour margarita after a hard day at work. In fact, I felt so good after the session, I went out to eat dinner with my family.
I have been reciting these prayers that I keep in my wallet when I feel stressed or terrified. Since I had such a rough day yesterday, I took them out of my bag a lot and said them to myself. It really did help. If that's the kind of meditation that the doctor wants me to do, I can accomodate her on that one. Maybe that and my chemoritas will get me through the next six weeks.
Chemosabe
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..
For the last couple of days, I have been having problems with my vision. Everything I see looks "pixelated" and seems to vibrate. It's as if I can see the atomic makeup of a wall, a table, or the sky. Sometimes I see little sparks jump around. I have had these symptoms before with my vision. It usually occurs a day or two after a chemo treatment and then disappears. This time after treatment it got worse and still isn't gone.
I was terrified when I woke up this morning and the strange vision still hadn't gone away. I started hyperventillating and bawling. Usually, sparkling lights remind me of the holidays: Christmas, New Years, and July 4th. Not this time...I was too traumatized to go to work for the morning.
After resting at home for the morning, I made it in to work for the afternoon. I spoke to my opthamolgist on the phone and described my symptoms which were: 1. Pixelated and vibrating vision with occasional sparks 2. The bizarre vision is in both eyes 3. When I look at something bright and then look away I have an afterglow of the image I just looked at. The overall sensation I have is of t.v. snow as an overlay to everything I look at, except the overlay is transparent. The opthamologist said that the good news is that the bizarre vision is occuring in both eyes. He thought that the problems I am experiencing is not visual as much as it is neurological. He told me that he wants me to make an appointment with my neurologist. Oh joy, another doctor's appointment...
The questions that went through my mind today were, 1. Am I going to go blind or are these visual changes permanent and 2. Am I going to make it through this chemotherapy and live a long time without recurrance? I started feeling incredibly alone again. I felt isolated from my family, my friends, and again from the big G, God.
If you know me at all, you know that I have this current obsession and fascination with the "Battlestar Gallactica" series...Not the old one from the '70's, but the one from the 21st century. I started watching it around the time I was diagnosed with cancer. It turned out, one of the main characters in the series is a woman president of the human colonies who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. At first, I was hesitant to continue watching the series because it hit a little too close to home. It turns out, her character is just what I needed to watch. She's courageous, beautiful, and wise. She is a great leader and a fighter..Even though she's fictitious, she's a great person for me to watch right now.
Tonght, as I was watching the series (and it's really getting good!!), there was a scene that absolutely blew me away. During one of the scenes, while the president is getting chemo (the red kind like I received), she visits with another cancer patient whose name is Emily...That caught my attention to say the least...Emily starts telling the president not to fear the end because Emily had a vision. She tells the president that in a dream she took a boat to meet her family on the other side and that she wasn't alone in death. The president then tells Emily that she doesn't believe in an afterlife. The president said that she watched her mother die of breast cancer...who was a teacher who had students that loved her, who would walk across fire for her...(that also got my attention..) The president continued to say that when her mother the teacher died there was nothing.. just a shroud of sadness. Emily then told her, that didn't necessarily happen to her mother...That was just a child's view of what happened. In the next scene, the president was dreaming. She was on that boat riding across the water and she sees her deceased mother. The president says, "I'm glad you're ok, Mother..but I'm not ready to go yet."
I still struggle with God and his/her existence on a daily basis. Today was one of those days. But when I saw this episode tonight with my name in it, about a teacher, and about cancer...I felt like it was a sign...Especially when the ending had such a message of hope..."I'm not ready to go yet." I AM NOT READY TO GO YET!!!! "I AM NOT READY TO GO YET...." I have to keep believing that and saying that to myself over and over. It just isn't time.
Chemosabe
I was terrified when I woke up this morning and the strange vision still hadn't gone away. I started hyperventillating and bawling. Usually, sparkling lights remind me of the holidays: Christmas, New Years, and July 4th. Not this time...I was too traumatized to go to work for the morning.
After resting at home for the morning, I made it in to work for the afternoon. I spoke to my opthamolgist on the phone and described my symptoms which were: 1. Pixelated and vibrating vision with occasional sparks 2. The bizarre vision is in both eyes 3. When I look at something bright and then look away I have an afterglow of the image I just looked at. The overall sensation I have is of t.v. snow as an overlay to everything I look at, except the overlay is transparent. The opthamologist said that the good news is that the bizarre vision is occuring in both eyes. He thought that the problems I am experiencing is not visual as much as it is neurological. He told me that he wants me to make an appointment with my neurologist. Oh joy, another doctor's appointment...
The questions that went through my mind today were, 1. Am I going to go blind or are these visual changes permanent and 2. Am I going to make it through this chemotherapy and live a long time without recurrance? I started feeling incredibly alone again. I felt isolated from my family, my friends, and again from the big G, God.
If you know me at all, you know that I have this current obsession and fascination with the "Battlestar Gallactica" series...Not the old one from the '70's, but the one from the 21st century. I started watching it around the time I was diagnosed with cancer. It turned out, one of the main characters in the series is a woman president of the human colonies who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. At first, I was hesitant to continue watching the series because it hit a little too close to home. It turns out, her character is just what I needed to watch. She's courageous, beautiful, and wise. She is a great leader and a fighter..Even though she's fictitious, she's a great person for me to watch right now.
Tonght, as I was watching the series (and it's really getting good!!), there was a scene that absolutely blew me away. During one of the scenes, while the president is getting chemo (the red kind like I received), she visits with another cancer patient whose name is Emily...That caught my attention to say the least...Emily starts telling the president not to fear the end because Emily had a vision. She tells the president that in a dream she took a boat to meet her family on the other side and that she wasn't alone in death. The president then tells Emily that she doesn't believe in an afterlife. The president said that she watched her mother die of breast cancer...who was a teacher who had students that loved her, who would walk across fire for her...(that also got my attention..) The president continued to say that when her mother the teacher died there was nothing.. just a shroud of sadness. Emily then told her, that didn't necessarily happen to her mother...That was just a child's view of what happened. In the next scene, the president was dreaming. She was on that boat riding across the water and she sees her deceased mother. The president says, "I'm glad you're ok, Mother..but I'm not ready to go yet."
I still struggle with God and his/her existence on a daily basis. Today was one of those days. But when I saw this episode tonight with my name in it, about a teacher, and about cancer...I felt like it was a sign...Especially when the ending had such a message of hope..."I'm not ready to go yet." I AM NOT READY TO GO YET!!!! "I AM NOT READY TO GO YET...." I have to keep believing that and saying that to myself over and over. It just isn't time.
Chemosabe
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Nightmares and bone pain
I had my 5th chemo of the final 12 last Thursday. I had been feeling pretty good until I got my neulasta shot for boosting my white blood count yesterday. By the evening, my body was feeling compressed like it was in a vice grip. I took aleve along with my other nightly supplements. Right before bed, I took tramadol, another pain med. I couldn't fall asleep and I was up until about 2:15 a.m.
At 6 a.m. I woke up screaming from two horrible nightmares. I was convinced that my son and my father had died and I started to panic and hyperventillate. My body felt like it had been beaten with a baseball bat. My head, specifically my skull, felt like it was bruised...It was hard to walk from pain. My husband Elliott gave me xanax to calm down, aleve for my body pain, and frova for my impending migraine. He also talked to me and convinced me that Ethan and my Dad were ok. The dreams were too real and disturbing. I am suspecting the cuprit for the mind-fuck is the tramadol.
My weight is continuing to climb, 2 pounds a week. I have gained about 13 or so pounds since starting chemo, most of it has come on since I started the taxol. I have been doing weight watchers this week and I seem to be gaining even more weight. I have decided to give up all sugars, including fruit and see if that helps. I would like to see a dietician at the START center where I get my chemo, but the hours are during my work time. I have used up all of my sick leave and cannot take any more days off.
My December paycheck had about $500 dollars deducted from it from missing work. This month, I lost $1800. I have been a member of the sick leave bank for years and so I put in an application to have that money reimbursed. I also have disability insurance and I'm going to apply for that as well.
I am trying my hardest to fight and stay positive, but this has been an incredibly difficult week. It seems as though anything I enjoy doing, eating, sleeping, fixing my hair, exercising, I can't do. The loneliness and feeling of helplessness is starting to kick in again. I am hoping it's just a phase and things will settle down again.
Chemosabe
At 6 a.m. I woke up screaming from two horrible nightmares. I was convinced that my son and my father had died and I started to panic and hyperventillate. My body felt like it had been beaten with a baseball bat. My head, specifically my skull, felt like it was bruised...It was hard to walk from pain. My husband Elliott gave me xanax to calm down, aleve for my body pain, and frova for my impending migraine. He also talked to me and convinced me that Ethan and my Dad were ok. The dreams were too real and disturbing. I am suspecting the cuprit for the mind-fuck is the tramadol.
My weight is continuing to climb, 2 pounds a week. I have gained about 13 or so pounds since starting chemo, most of it has come on since I started the taxol. I have been doing weight watchers this week and I seem to be gaining even more weight. I have decided to give up all sugars, including fruit and see if that helps. I would like to see a dietician at the START center where I get my chemo, but the hours are during my work time. I have used up all of my sick leave and cannot take any more days off.
My December paycheck had about $500 dollars deducted from it from missing work. This month, I lost $1800. I have been a member of the sick leave bank for years and so I put in an application to have that money reimbursed. I also have disability insurance and I'm going to apply for that as well.
I am trying my hardest to fight and stay positive, but this has been an incredibly difficult week. It seems as though anything I enjoy doing, eating, sleeping, fixing my hair, exercising, I can't do. The loneliness and feeling of helplessness is starting to kick in again. I am hoping it's just a phase and things will settle down again.
Chemosabe
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My fuzzy skunk head and the case of the missing nose hair
I have had 4 chemo treatments of the taxol and so far everything is going pretty well. There are days that I feel almost like my old self. When it stops raining, I plan on going out and walking again and riding my bike too. So far (knock on wood) I haven't missed any work with the new taxol treatments. I have my treatments at 2 p.m. on Thursdays, and I'm back to work the next day. Since I am missing my top band every Thursday, I am having early rehearsals with them every Thursday morning at 7:15 a.m. to make sure that I see them at least once that day. Since UIL band contest is coming up, I need to make sure that I get as much time with my students as possible.
There are a couple of annoying side-effects with this new treatment. One, is the steroids that I take intravenously to prevent nausea and other complications. They make me hyper-active and pretty aggressive. The day immediately following chemo, I feel like I don't have much of a social filter. I am a little fearful that if a student or a parent annoys me too much, that I'll go off with a bout of Tourette's....that would not be good. I also have trouble sleeping after the treatment, so I'm having to take a .25 of xanax every night. The nurse calls it "mother's little helper." I am definitely a mother that needs a little help! Another side effect of this chemo and the steroids is the consistent weight gain. I really need to go back on weight watchers, but the plan has changed and I don't feel as though I understand it very well. (Lame excuse, I know..) The last side effect is heart palpitations. When I get them, I take xanax, and that seems to help. I tend to get them in the middle of the night after treatment and I think it's related to the hyperactivity from the steroids.
I started a new progesterone supplement to try and thin out the lining of my uterus. It is possible that the lining will thin enough that I won't need an ablation after chemo and that the polyp will disappear. (It's not likely, but there is a chance.) The bleeding finally did stop with the aid of this medication. Luckily, the cancer I have is only estrogen positive and not progesterone positive. So, the cancer will not grow with the progesterone supplement.
There are days that I feel really good and I am grateful. At the same time, I keep wondering when things will go wrong. In some ways, I feel just as good or better than I did before my surgery. My state of mind is overall very positive and I am not very fatigued during the day. At night, I collapse and fall asleep, but that's not a bad thing right?
I have started to grow fuzz all over my head. The majority of it is white with some black mixed in. Most of the black is located in a stripe down the middle of my head. I sort of look like a reverse skunk and it's very odd looking. Even so, I am proud of my fuzzy hair!! I have begun shaving my legs a couple of times a week and my eyebrows still haven't completely fallen out. When I use a little bit of eyebrow pencil, the brows actually look normal. I really miss my nosehair..I never had much of it, but I am learning how important it is. My nose no longer has a dust filter and I find that every little thing makes me sneeze. Don't ever take your nosehair for granted!!!!
Since I have this renewed energy, I have begun cleaning up my house a little bit and doing some cooking. I have been making salads and other healthy dishes for myself and my family. I made a really delicious caprese salad that my brother taught me how to make. I think I ended up eating two whole tomatoes by myself!!
I hope everyone is enjoying their new year. Good health and happiness to you all!
Chemosabe
There are a couple of annoying side-effects with this new treatment. One, is the steroids that I take intravenously to prevent nausea and other complications. They make me hyper-active and pretty aggressive. The day immediately following chemo, I feel like I don't have much of a social filter. I am a little fearful that if a student or a parent annoys me too much, that I'll go off with a bout of Tourette's....that would not be good. I also have trouble sleeping after the treatment, so I'm having to take a .25 of xanax every night. The nurse calls it "mother's little helper." I am definitely a mother that needs a little help! Another side effect of this chemo and the steroids is the consistent weight gain. I really need to go back on weight watchers, but the plan has changed and I don't feel as though I understand it very well. (Lame excuse, I know..) The last side effect is heart palpitations. When I get them, I take xanax, and that seems to help. I tend to get them in the middle of the night after treatment and I think it's related to the hyperactivity from the steroids.
I started a new progesterone supplement to try and thin out the lining of my uterus. It is possible that the lining will thin enough that I won't need an ablation after chemo and that the polyp will disappear. (It's not likely, but there is a chance.) The bleeding finally did stop with the aid of this medication. Luckily, the cancer I have is only estrogen positive and not progesterone positive. So, the cancer will not grow with the progesterone supplement.
There are days that I feel really good and I am grateful. At the same time, I keep wondering when things will go wrong. In some ways, I feel just as good or better than I did before my surgery. My state of mind is overall very positive and I am not very fatigued during the day. At night, I collapse and fall asleep, but that's not a bad thing right?
I have started to grow fuzz all over my head. The majority of it is white with some black mixed in. Most of the black is located in a stripe down the middle of my head. I sort of look like a reverse skunk and it's very odd looking. Even so, I am proud of my fuzzy hair!! I have begun shaving my legs a couple of times a week and my eyebrows still haven't completely fallen out. When I use a little bit of eyebrow pencil, the brows actually look normal. I really miss my nosehair..I never had much of it, but I am learning how important it is. My nose no longer has a dust filter and I find that every little thing makes me sneeze. Don't ever take your nosehair for granted!!!!
Since I have this renewed energy, I have begun cleaning up my house a little bit and doing some cooking. I have been making salads and other healthy dishes for myself and my family. I made a really delicious caprese salad that my brother taught me how to make. I think I ended up eating two whole tomatoes by myself!!
I hope everyone is enjoying their new year. Good health and happiness to you all!
Chemosabe
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