Loneliness 11/7/10

It is amazing to me that I can be interracting with my family or even be in a room full of people and I can feel incredibly lonely.  Today was one of those days.  I would have never thought that I would end up feeling this way today but I did.

I spent the day with my kids and it was great.  I played "Upwords" with my 10 year old son Ethan and he beat the pants off of me.  (Upwords is a 3 dimensional game of Scrabble)  I talked and laughed with my kids and had a great lunch with them.  After lunch my mother, Ethan and I went for a walk and I enjoyed watching Ethan kick a piece of round plastic (it looked like a part left over from a 25 cent toy from a machine) throughout the walk.  Kids always amaze me the way that they look at things.  Garbage to an adult equals garbage, to a kid, it's a soccer ball.

Right now even with all of that positve and fun interraction, I feel like I'm the only person on earth.   My brother calls this feeling "existential loneliness."  I guess the best way to describe it is a feeling of no emotion at all or all emotion being drained out of my soul and I'm left with an emptiness...Like I don't have a connection to anything or anyone.

Since my diagnosis, I actually have fewer of these episodes, but when I do get them, they hit me really hard.

I do know one thing even in this state of mind.  When I am done with my last chemo treatment on March 10th which is also Ethan's birthday, I will be out of here...I don't know where I will go, but I will be taking a trip somewhere..It may be a cruise, it may be a trip out of the country...Wherever it is I cannot wait....

I'm bustin' out of this and things are going to change.