The long walk and chemo #3

Two nights ago (the night before chemo) I was in a pretty dark place emotionally.  I really didn't want to face another chemo even though I know it's my only way to a cure.  I came home from work and took a nap. I woke up to Zoe screaming bloody murder and throwing a temper tantrum because she didn't get what she wanted for dinner and she was hungry.  Zoe is usually a very compliant kid except when it comes to food...she's just like her mother.

Hearing Zoe scream combined with my nervousness about my upcoming chemo sent me over the edge.  I took my i-pod and went for a walk...I walked and walked for almost an hour.  Since it was 6:15 at night, it was already quite dark out.  I didn't bring a flashlight...Just my i-pod, my cell phone, and my leather jacket. No one was out except for the few people coming in from their days at work. The night was just beautiful.  It was maybe 65 degrees with a slight breeze and a crescent moon.  As I was walking alone, I kept looking at the houses with lights on and people walking around preparing to eat dinner.  The houses looked so warm and inviting. I cried and cried for the entire walk. 

I kept thinking about the myths about the souls that supposedly walk the earth after they have died because they haven't found peace.  No one sees or hears them unless a medium senses their presence..."I see dead people" as Haley Joel Osmont said in "The Sixth Sense."  I started to feel like one of those tortured souls alone walking the streets.  No one was here to see or talk to me and I was just wandering the streets of my neighborhood.  I wondered if this is what it felt like to be dead. 

After about 40 minutes into my walk, my son called me on my cell phone and told me to come home and that Zoe was through screaming.  Hearing my son's voice snapped me out of my self-pity mode...I was so glad to hear his voice.  Soon after, I found my way home.

I had chemo #3 yesterday.  I only have one more of the big treatments left and then I'll have 12 of the small ones starting December 23rd.  The 3rd chemo went well, but the side-effects seem to be coming on sooner than the last 2 treatments.  I had a nurse tell me that I needed to drink 3 quarts of liquid per day and that I had no choice in the matter.  If I didn't, I could "burn my bladder."  I drank a ton yesterday and even at night, Elliott brought me tea and other drinks (water mixed with fruit juice).  I was up in the restroom all night, but I think it did help me today.

More to come,

Chemosabe