Mind over matter

I cannot believe that it has been four months since my last entry.  Time has flown by at what seems to be light speed.  Weeks have gone by since school has started in August, and I can barely remember what has gone on.  Now it's December and it's actually cold out..Where has the time gone???

Last Tuesday, November 22, 2011 I had my final major reconstructive surgery.  It was a 2 1/2 hour surgery and I was put under general anesthesia again.  Before the surgery, the surgeon marked me up with a blue sharpie and he asked me why I didn't wear a bikini last summer!!  (That was quite an ego booster!)  At that time, I discussed with the surgeon what he was going to do in the surgery.  Since my right breast was smaller than my left, we decided it would be good to put fat into the right breast from my hip.  He then decided the left breast should be reduced and lifted.  The surgeon told me that he would create nipples for me and lipo my hips, ribs and part of my behind.  The nipple tattoos would be done in the office after I heal.

As they were wheeling me in to surgery, as usual, I started crying.  The anesthesiologist patted me on the head and said, "Don't worry, we'll take good care of you."  After that, I was gently placed  on the operating table and the anesthesiologist said, we're going to give you some oxygen now..I knew it wasn't just oxygen because it smelled funny..  The next thing I knew I was yelling, "I can't breathe, I cant breathe!!!"  I was out of surgery and it was if I had blinked and it was over.  The nurse came over and said, "Your oxygenation is at 100%, just try to relax."  I think the reason why I was feeling like I couldn't breathe was because I woke up with the oxygen mask on my face and I felt like I was being suffocated.  The next thing I knew, I was in my own room with my mom and Elliott. 

I told Elliott and my Mother before the surgery that they had one purpose only after the surgery.  That purpose was to get me out of the hospital as soon as possible.  Since it was a day surgery, I had no desire to stay any longer than necessary.  I told both of them to make sure the nurses gave me whatever it was that I needed to get out of the hospital...If I need an anti-nausea pill, pain pills, food...whatever, just to make sure that it happened..They did, and I was home by early evening...

The next week I didn't have much pain and I was off of pain meds by Thanksgiving.  The worst part of the surgery was the itching on the incisions and bruising and the migraine I got from all of the pain meds.  (I tend to get rebound headaches from pain meds.) I had quite a bit of bruising on my behind and sides.  I looked like I had been hit by a truck, but with nice looking breasts!!

I had to wear an abdominal binder and surgical bra for a week.  Since my appointment on Thursday, I only have to wear a spanx and a regular bra for the next 4 weeks.  (I do have to pad the bra with gauze since I have new nipples that need protecting.)

My doctor cleared me for tennis again and any other activities that I want to do.  He told me just to start slowly.  I went back to work the Monday after Thanksgiving and felt pretty normal.

I really believe one of the reasons why I recovered so quickly is because both before and after the surgery, I told myself that I was going to live, I was going to get through this, and I have a lot of life let to live.  After this surgery, more than ever, I really believe in "mind over matter."  I now know that I can control a lot of my life just by willing it to happen.  If I want to get better I will.  If I want to be happy, I will...I have the control to be anything that I want to be.

Open your eyes

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about outer appearance, specifically scars, the last few days.  In my last blog entry, I mentioned this website called:  http://thescarproject.org/.  The photography on that website  made me think about so many things..

My entire life, I have been self-conscious about my appearance.  Since seeing the scar project website, I have realized that I am on a life journey as are all of us on this planet.  From the time we are born out of our mothers' wombs until the time we are placed in the earth again, we are on a path.  Whether you believe in destiny or not, it doesn't matter. (I personally don't.)  One way or another, we all move forward in time.  When I think of life that way, outer appearance doesn't matter as much anymore.  Even the supermodels of the earth will not look perfect when they are old.  And, everyone looks pretty crappy at their own funerals....scarred or not.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past several months to try to come to grips with my life and to deal with the issues of the cancer diagnosis and treatments.  The most powerful thing she said to me recently was, "Emily, open your eyes."  She told me to step back and really look at the people around me, my environment, and take mental notes.  I have learned so much about my life and the people around me, by doing just that.  One of the first things I did was look at these beautiful cancer survivors through my new eyes.  I didn't see thier scars anymore..I saw their beautiful faces and souls that have clearly gone through so much.  I have looked at my wonderful family, friends, and students.  I have begun to really see who they are and understand my life around me.

So far, the message I have gotten from opening my eyes to the world is:  Even if people put up a front, are angry, sad, or disappointed, they all want to be loved and appreciated and seen for who they really are.  Underneath the flesh, scarring, and pain that we all have, lies our inner selves.  I can say, for myself, I want to be loved for who I am as a person rather than my outer appearance.

By noticing my life around me, I feel as though everything has come into focus for me.  I am starting to understand what is truly important:  My relationships, my family, laughing, and loving as much as possible until I am put into the earth again.  In a funny sort of way, I feel like a superhero with x-ray vision because I see everything so differently.

I ask all of you that read my blog to really open your eyes and take mental notes...I promise you will be amazed!

See this website...

http://thescarproject.org/

The anniversary and my affirmations

It has been a little over a year since my initial cancer diagnosis.  I was diagnosed on 7/8/10, and I still remember that day as if it was yesterday.  I remember getting the call from my OB/GYN and him telling me the bad news.  I remember crying and crying for days because I was so overwhelmed with fear of the unknown.

On the one year anniversary, my husband, kids, and I were all in Corpus Christi on a vacation.  The day before the anniversary, I cried again reliving the experience.  After the day had passed, I felt a sense of relief...

After 3 days in Corpus, we went to Port Aransas and had a wonderful time. The condominium was beautiful (although we had to initially switch condos because the first one smelled like a fish fry), the pool and beach were both magnificent.  We would go out to the pool (which is supposedly the largest one in Texas) at around 9:00 a.m. and stay out until 11:30 a.m.  After that, we would go in, get changed and go to lunch. After lunch, we would come home, take a nap, and then go to dinner.  After dinner, we would hang out at the different quirky gift shops, then go out to the beach.  The beach at night is such a soothing experience.  I find the wind off the beach to be invigorating and healing.  After the beach, we would come back to the condo, and watch re-runs of "Columbo" on DVD.  It was a great and relaxing vacation..One of the best of my life.

Since the trip, I have been struggling with the tamoxifen (the drug that I have to take for the next 5 years.)  The main side-effect is joint pain and all over body aches.  If I drink a lot of water, I seem to be able to manage, but I am still uncomfortable.  Exercising seems to be a problem, because I am injuring myself more often than I used to.  Yesterday, I was in bed for most of the day from a neck injury.  I left a message with my doctor to call me to see if I can take another drug or come off of this one for a couple of weeks. 

Lately, since I have been feeling depressed about my aches and pains, I have come up with these affirmations that I say to myself when I'm feeling bad. They seem to help my state of mind and at times actually help my pain go away or at least decrease significantly.

1.  Cancer does not define me.
2.  These aches and pains do not define me.
3.  My body may be hurting, but the pain will not affect me at my core.  My body is just a container for my soul.

This is who I am:
1.  I am a mother to two beautiful kids
2.  I am a wife to my kind husband
3.  I am a sister to my great brother and a sister-in-law
4.  I am a daughter to two wonderful parents and in-laws
5.  I am an aunt to my wonderful niece and nephews
6.  I am a musician
7.  I am a teacher
8.  I am a friend to many and I have wonderful friends
9.  I have a great sense of humor, I love to laugh and live
10.I am a fighter....


Happy anniversary to me for making it one year.  May I, and anyone else dealing with disease make it for many more!!

What are you lookin' at?

Today I went to the music store to purchase some new piano music for my kids.  I got my daughter a book of Disney songs with the lyrics written in.  (Lately, she has discovered that she can sing and accompany herself on piano!)  My son got some flute and piano duets.  My son and I have decided that we are going to try to work on a couple of flute and piano pieces which we are both really excited about!

While I was at the music store, I saw some people that I recognized that have known me for years.  One of them, after I said hi, didn't even acknowledge me and looked pretty confused.  It was obvious that the person didn't recognize me. After that, a couple of people looked at me and gave me these piteous stares..If someone doesn't recognize me, that's one thing..but the stares are absolutely the worst.   I know my hair doesn't look the same as it did before, but it is just hair.  I have to control myself not to walk over and punch their lights out....  I have gone through a lot, but there are others that have it far worse.  These people can take their ogling stares and shove them.

Maybe this reaction is extreme, and I would never hurt anyone, but this is how I feel.  Maybe I am feeling extra frustration today because I am trying desperately to lose weight and nothing is happening.  In fact, I gained a couple of pounds from the weekend.

One of my facebook friends said that maybe people don't know that I have had cancer and chemo.  And, also it is possible they think I'm going through some kind of mid-life crisis because of my spiky white hair.  He then said, "Go with it..Suggest they hang around to meet your new teenage lover."

In general, I have been feeling less achy, but I have been drinking 2 1/2 quarts of water a day and exercising...I think those two things are making positive difference in how I feel physically.

The process of recovering from the cancer and living with its consequences is a pretty tough battle.  I hope I get better at coping and I hope I ultimately win.

The gift

I had my surgery on June 10th, 2011 for the removal of a uterine polyp.  I did the usual of not eating or drinking anything after midnight the night before.  I was very nervous the day of the surgery and the entire week before.  I think my nerves came from the fact that this was my 3rd surgery and I thought I knew what was coming.

The surgery was not a big deal at all. Compared to what I have been through, this was the equivalent of a dental cleaning.  I got to the ambulatory hospital at 6 a.m., checked in and sat there until about 6:50 a.m.  (There were a lot of children in the waiting area as well, which kind of brought me some comfort.  If they can handle day surgery, I could too!)  A couple of hours before, I had to take a pill to soften my cervix so that the doctor could dialate the uterus more easily.  The pill disolved on my tongue, tasted like chalk and it gave me a little bit of menstrual cramping.

After I changed into my surgical gown, the nurse gave me my i.v. and I signed all of the necessary paperwork.  Then Elliott and the doctor came in and we talked about what was going to happen.  The doctor told me once again that he didn't anticipate any cancer and that the polyp looked very benign to him and to the radiologist.  (Apparently these polyps are very common in women my age.)  My doctor also told me that I would have the biopsy results of the surgery on the following Tuesday.

At that point, I was wheeled over to the OR, they gave me some gas and then it seemed as though I woke up minutes later.  It was over with so quickly, I could barely remember it starting. I had virtually no pain at all and within 45 minutes I was out of the post-OP room and I was going home.  The rest of the day I slept at home as if I had a hangover, and 1/2 of the next day I was pretty sleepy.  By Monday, I was back to my usual self.

On Tuesday, I called for the results.  They found a polyp and a fibroid and both were benign.  I was with my mom looking for sports wear at the time I found out.  I started crying in the middle of the store I was so relieved.  I hadn't felt that happy in a long time. 

Two days later, I went to school to make a monetary deposit for my band's summer camp.  While I was up there, I went into the main office to say hello to the principal's secretary.  In the office talking with her, was a woman who seemed to have the cancer crew cut.  (The cancer crew cut is my term for the hairdo that someone has after they finish chemo and the hair starts to grow back in.)  The woman turned out to be the principal's secretary at a local high school who is battling breast cancer.  She immediately walked up to me, hugged me, and told me that she was so glad to finally meet me.  I told her that I had heard about her battle with cancer. We embraced many times during our conversation.  We both agreed that it's difficult for others to understand what it's like to have cancer unless you've gone through it yourself.  At one point during our conversation, she said, "Sometimes I wonder when's the last time I'll get to see my son play baseball."  We both started to cry.  I told her that if she wants me to contact her to leave her phone number with the school secretary.  Unfortunately, she didn't..Honestly, I think she forgot because she was so upset and distracted...

After I accomplished about an hour of work, I returned to the main office and spoke with the principal's secretary at our school.  She told me that the woman who was visiting has a stage 4 cancer that will never go away.  It had spread to her lymph nodes and her spine.  The best she could hope for was to keep the cancer at bay and from spreading to her organs.  The reason why she had started growing back some of her hair was because she was taking a couple of month break from the chemo.

After this surgery and this chance meeting with this other cancer patient, I felt so incredibly lucky, blessed, and fortunate to be surviving this disease.  I have been given another chance at life....Everything has been looking brighter and I have been enjoying every minute of every day from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep.  I no longer complain about the body aches that I have with the tamoxifen...All of that seems so insignificant and trivial.

I have been given such a gift.

Homecoming

Tomorrow is my school's homecoming concert.  Every year, the alumni and past teachers have the opportunity to come back to my school and play with the top band and jazz band.  Every year I look forward to it except for this year.  None of my ex-students that I know and care about will be coming back.  My husband and kids will be there but probably late....And I will be there, the object of the stares and piteous looks with no back up.

I don't want to be pitied tomorrow night...I don't want to answer questions about my illness or what has happened to me these past several months...But..it's inevitable.  I wish I wasn't doing it alone.