Today I went to see my plastic surgeon to schedule my final surgery. I hadn't seen him since September, since before I started chemo. He examined me and said that everything was healing great and he described to me what he wanted to do in my final surgery. Since my left breast is slightly bigger than my right, he wanted to even them out. He also said he would contour my hips with a little liposuction and possibly put that fat in the smaller breast. I wonder if while he's at it he could fix my nose and my sagging neck..I also saw pictures of myself before the surgery. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually like the way I look better now, even without the final touches. My breasts are more the same size, they are lifted up and I don't have the paunch that I used to have on my stomach.
I also mentioned to my doctor that I would like to have the ablation done at the same time if possible so that I don't have to be put under anesthesia twice. He said that was a possibility as well. Overall, I felt pretty good about the appointment. For the first time in a while, I could also visualize the end of this cancer hell.
Today at work, I showed a co-worker a picture of myself without my wig. She said, "Wow, you look like George Clooney." I was thinking, yes, George Clooney with a $250,000 boob job..This is not a sexy image in my mind..I kept picturing George in drag and thinking...ick..
I'm starting to think about the hair on my head again. It's starting to grow in, Clooney style, and I'm wondering what color I should dye it...if anything. I was thinking about wearing it in a pixie cut at first and making it all white. Then I thought about coloring it blonde, a very white blonde like Annie Lennox is currently wearing her hair. My whole life I have actually wanted to be a red head. As a child I had a recurring dream that I was looking in the mirror and I had red hair. Maybe this is my chance to fulfill this crazy dream.
I have been taking ativan (a tranquilizer) every night before bed and it has been helping my nerves and my vision. Or maybe I'm so tranquil, I don't give a fuck what I'm looking at..
The day after tomorrow is Chemo #10 of the final 12. I can't believe it..I hope I make it through this..I hope the cancer is gone forever..
Chemosabe
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Has anyone seen my soul?
The hair on my head is starting to come back in and it is mostly all white with some dark brown sprinkled in. My eyelashes are just barely hanging in there and my eyebrows are two faint markings on my forehead. My coloring is a pasty sickly grey...All of my fat pants are too tight and my vision is still very snowy with some random flashes thrown in. The neulasta shot that I get to boost my immunity has given me so much pain that I want to scream. I get these random shooting pains in my back, my skull, my sternum, and through my leg and arm bones when I least expect it. I have 4 more treatments to go and I have a feeling I'll be crawling to the finish line.
I don't feel much connection to anyone at home anymore. I love my kids and my husband, but I feel as though I am watching them in a movie as an audience member and I am not part of the picture. It seems as if I know these people as one would know characters in a sit com and I enjoy watching them, but I am not truly a part of their lives.
The only time I feel connected to anyone at all is when I'm at school with my students. These aren't even my children and there are days that we don't produce much musically...Today would be one of those days. All of my classes were extremely hyper and non-productive...As a result, I didn't feel connected to anyone today...not my family or my students. Yesterday was a much better day with my band kids, I felt that I was really communicating and I could literally feel the energy emanating from my body. Kids were smiling and I felt like we accomplished something.
When I get home from school, I am drained..I have nothing left to give anyone and I am an empty shell. In some ways, I feel like the chemo has drained the soul right out of my body. I am hoping that my soul isn't gone but is merely on sabbatical or is in some kind of dormant phase. I miss my family and want to reconnect with them, but I think more than anything, I miss myself and the way I used to be. I hope I come back soon.
Chemosabe
I don't feel much connection to anyone at home anymore. I love my kids and my husband, but I feel as though I am watching them in a movie as an audience member and I am not part of the picture. It seems as if I know these people as one would know characters in a sit com and I enjoy watching them, but I am not truly a part of their lives.
The only time I feel connected to anyone at all is when I'm at school with my students. These aren't even my children and there are days that we don't produce much musically...Today would be one of those days. All of my classes were extremely hyper and non-productive...As a result, I didn't feel connected to anyone today...not my family or my students. Yesterday was a much better day with my band kids, I felt that I was really communicating and I could literally feel the energy emanating from my body. Kids were smiling and I felt like we accomplished something.
When I get home from school, I am drained..I have nothing left to give anyone and I am an empty shell. In some ways, I feel like the chemo has drained the soul right out of my body. I am hoping that my soul isn't gone but is merely on sabbatical or is in some kind of dormant phase. I miss my family and want to reconnect with them, but I think more than anything, I miss myself and the way I used to be. I hope I come back soon.
Chemosabe
Friday, February 11, 2011
Mrs. Q-tip and the Valentine's day cookies
Yesterday, I finished up chemo #8 of the final 12 treatments. I'm still having the wacko vision (sounds like wonka vision from willy wonka and the chocolate factory but less fun and chocolate doesn't help it.) Drinking a lot of fluids and taking ativan seems to lessen it somewhat. Neither one of those things cures it, but the combination of the two, slows the snowy vision down.
I saw a nutritionist yesterday right before I went into chemo. She told me that I need to eat small meals 6 times a day rather than 3 large meals. Each meal should have a carb combined with a fat or a carb combined with a protein. This way of eating will hopefully keep me from getting ravenously hungry...Today, it seemed to work, except one of my snacks was three small chocolate cookies and dinner was way bigger than it should have been..She was right, I was less hungry :) I am afraid to weigh myself....
I seem to be growing more and more hair. The hair on my head is 90% white with some brown thrown in, but it is no longer patchy. My head looks and feels like a fuzzy Q-tip. It is so downy soft..I give myself scalp massages all the time because the hair is so fuzzy. I really wish I could wear my hair the way it is in public and ditch the stupid wigs. Unfortunately, I don't think the general public and my students are ready to see Mrs.Q-tip.
I am excited that I only have 4 more treatments...Less than a month from today, I will be done with chemotherapy, hopefully forever. After that, I will be visiting with my plastic surgeon to schedule my final surgery and I will probably have the ablation done as well. After that, I will hopefully be free of cancer for the rest of my life.
While I was getting chemo yesterday, this really young 20 year old was walking around the chemo room with cookies. I thought she was just some kid doing volunteer work. It turns out she is an ovarian cancer survivor. She was in her late teens when she was diagnosed. She said that it was just like a bad dream and it's over now. And here she was, giving out heart shaped cookies. I was so profoundly affected by her act of kindness..Giving back and helping after what she had been through. I feel like when I am done with all of this, I will find a way to help and give back to people suffering with this horrible disease. Maybe I too will think of this ordeal as a bad dream..
Sweet dreams,
Chemosabe
I saw a nutritionist yesterday right before I went into chemo. She told me that I need to eat small meals 6 times a day rather than 3 large meals. Each meal should have a carb combined with a fat or a carb combined with a protein. This way of eating will hopefully keep me from getting ravenously hungry...Today, it seemed to work, except one of my snacks was three small chocolate cookies and dinner was way bigger than it should have been..She was right, I was less hungry :) I am afraid to weigh myself....
I seem to be growing more and more hair. The hair on my head is 90% white with some brown thrown in, but it is no longer patchy. My head looks and feels like a fuzzy Q-tip. It is so downy soft..I give myself scalp massages all the time because the hair is so fuzzy. I really wish I could wear my hair the way it is in public and ditch the stupid wigs. Unfortunately, I don't think the general public and my students are ready to see Mrs.Q-tip.
I am excited that I only have 4 more treatments...Less than a month from today, I will be done with chemotherapy, hopefully forever. After that, I will be visiting with my plastic surgeon to schedule my final surgery and I will probably have the ablation done as well. After that, I will hopefully be free of cancer for the rest of my life.
While I was getting chemo yesterday, this really young 20 year old was walking around the chemo room with cookies. I thought she was just some kid doing volunteer work. It turns out she is an ovarian cancer survivor. She was in her late teens when she was diagnosed. She said that it was just like a bad dream and it's over now. And here she was, giving out heart shaped cookies. I was so profoundly affected by her act of kindness..Giving back and helping after what she had been through. I feel like when I am done with all of this, I will find a way to help and give back to people suffering with this horrible disease. Maybe I too will think of this ordeal as a bad dream..
Sweet dreams,
Chemosabe
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