I had chemo #2 yesterday of the final 12 treatments. So far both treatments have gone quite well and I have been able to function afterwards pretty well. I have been getting horrible hot flashes and neck pain that have kept me from sleeping, so that will be the next hurdle to jump.
My last menstrual cycle began on 11/28/10, and I still haven't completely stopped bleeding. (It is now 12/31/10) A few days ago, I went to have a sonogram of my pelvis because my OB/GYN was concerned with the bleeding, as he should be. I found out today that I most likely have a polyp that needs to be removed. I don't know exactly when this will happen, but I am really concerned about having surgery at this time. First of all I am already anemic and any surgery will of course make this worse. Second, I am already weak from chemo and surgery will make me weaker and the recovery time harder. Third, I wonder if I had surgery now if this would delay my chemo...and I'm sure it would. Fourth, my white blood count has been compromised from the chemo and therefore it would be difficult to fight any infection that I would get from the surgery.
My oncologist assured me that this polyp is not cancer and to concentrate on not worrying. She is supposed to talk to my OB/GYN to see if the surgery can be delayed until after chemo.
My weight has continued to climb and my oncologist assured me that every one of her breast cancer patients have gained 10 pounds or more. I am trying to do weight watchers and since I have been feeling better, I am going to try to go out and ride my bike again for short distances. (Since the weather has been warm, I figured I'd better take advantage of it.)
I have continued to have sleep problems because of the horrible hot flashes that I have been experiencing with the chemo. Tonight is a typical night of sleep, about 4 hours.
Since my white blood cell count is low again, I will be going in for another neulasta shot this morning. Hopefully this will increase my immunity so that I can continue to fight infections.
Yesterday, right before the chemo treatment, I began to cry. It seems that this is a new ritual for me. I am not sure why I am crying except that I have a lot of frustrations about my life and my health. I have always considered myself to be healthy, and now I find myself at age 42 with a barrage of health problems. Cancer, migraines, and neck problems, including degenerative and bulging disk, arthritis and bone spurs. To add insult to injury, I received a letter from my insurance company inviting me to participate in a "case management program." They said, "As part of your benefits and at no additional cost, this program is available to help our members who may be experiencing chronic health conditions and/or complex medical problems." It sounds like a nice program actually, but instead of addressing the letter to Emily Gurwitz, it should have said, Dear Terminally Fucked....
I have always taken good care of myself my whole life. I try to eat right, exercise, and get sleep. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life and I rarely if ever drink alcohol. I always assumed I'd live a long life. I am now not so sure of that. I am hoping that 2011 is a much better year.
Chemosabe
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Chemo and my dreamlike state of being
Today begins the halfway mark with chemo and I just got back from my first treatment of taxol, that I will receive once a week for 12 weeks. I had to wear frozen mittens and booties during the course of the treatment so that the chemo won't go to the hands and feet causing neuropathy. The nurse also loaded me up with benedryl, ativan (a calming agent), and some anti-nausea meds..The best way to describe the way I feel now is drunk..
Lately, before this treatment, I have been having issues with sleeping and awake time. It seems as though I am in a constant dreamlike state, even when I'm awake. I can still drive my car, teach my classes, and interact with people. But there seems to be a fog around me that I can't penetrate...It also feels like everyone around me is moving really fast and I'm moving really slowly. At night, when I dream, the dreams are so real that when I wake up I'm not sure if what I dreamed was reality or not. When I'm sleeping most nights, especially right after chemo, it's a very deep sleep and it is continuous throughout the night.
I have many recurring dreams during these long sleeps, but I couldn't tell you what they all are. Just as I'm about to drift off, I recognize that one of my recurring dreams is coming up...Sort of like a movie preview.. I just forget what the preview was when I wake up.
Some of the recurring dreams I have quite often are weather related. I very often have a dream of being very close to a tornado. I'm outside and the wind is roaring and debris is flying everywhere. I run into a house and try to hide, but I have this sick fascination with the tornado..So I go back outside and just stare at it without blinking just to see it all. Miraculously, it doesn't harm me.
Another recurring dream that I have is about elevators. I have always had fears of dropping in an elevator and crashing to the floor. In these dreams, I never crash to the floor, but the velocity of the falling elevator throws me on my back and I'm stuck to the ceiling facing the floor. I don't know if this could really happen in a falling elevator or if I'm watching too many Bugs Bunny cartoons..I keep trying to peel myself off the ceiling of the elevator because people are staring at me..I keep thinking to myself, "Why do these assholes keep looking at me? We're all plummeting to our deaths, they should be bracing for impact.
I almost always have flying dreams. In the dream if I want to fly, I run as fast as I can and jump with my arms flapping away from my body. I immediately take off into the sky. Most of the times in my dreams, I'm flying at night and I'm trying to escape something or someone. I hide in trees or on roofs of buildings. Landing is always the most fearful for me..and I actually never remember doing it.
I am still quite drunk, so I'm going to go take a quick nap in my other world. I was really worried about this treatment, and so far it seems to have gone ok. I'll keep you posted :)
Happy Holidays and good naps to all,
Chemosabe
Lately, before this treatment, I have been having issues with sleeping and awake time. It seems as though I am in a constant dreamlike state, even when I'm awake. I can still drive my car, teach my classes, and interact with people. But there seems to be a fog around me that I can't penetrate...It also feels like everyone around me is moving really fast and I'm moving really slowly. At night, when I dream, the dreams are so real that when I wake up I'm not sure if what I dreamed was reality or not. When I'm sleeping most nights, especially right after chemo, it's a very deep sleep and it is continuous throughout the night.
I have many recurring dreams during these long sleeps, but I couldn't tell you what they all are. Just as I'm about to drift off, I recognize that one of my recurring dreams is coming up...Sort of like a movie preview.. I just forget what the preview was when I wake up.
Some of the recurring dreams I have quite often are weather related. I very often have a dream of being very close to a tornado. I'm outside and the wind is roaring and debris is flying everywhere. I run into a house and try to hide, but I have this sick fascination with the tornado..So I go back outside and just stare at it without blinking just to see it all. Miraculously, it doesn't harm me.
Another recurring dream that I have is about elevators. I have always had fears of dropping in an elevator and crashing to the floor. In these dreams, I never crash to the floor, but the velocity of the falling elevator throws me on my back and I'm stuck to the ceiling facing the floor. I don't know if this could really happen in a falling elevator or if I'm watching too many Bugs Bunny cartoons..I keep trying to peel myself off the ceiling of the elevator because people are staring at me..I keep thinking to myself, "Why do these assholes keep looking at me? We're all plummeting to our deaths, they should be bracing for impact.
I almost always have flying dreams. In the dream if I want to fly, I run as fast as I can and jump with my arms flapping away from my body. I immediately take off into the sky. Most of the times in my dreams, I'm flying at night and I'm trying to escape something or someone. I hide in trees or on roofs of buildings. Landing is always the most fearful for me..and I actually never remember doing it.
I am still quite drunk, so I'm going to go take a quick nap in my other world. I was really worried about this treatment, and so far it seems to have gone ok. I'll keep you posted :)
Happy Holidays and good naps to all,
Chemosabe
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